......

बहुत दिनों के बाद होली पर घर आया, तो घर पर मेरे भविष्य की योजनाओं की चर्चा जोरों पर थी. हर कोई मुझसे यही पूछ रहा था, "पढाई तो कर ली अब आगे क्या करोगे?" मुझे कुछ जवाब देते नहीं बन रहा था. ऊपर से दादी ने शादी की बात शुरू कर दी,और जिद पर अड़ गई, और कहा की "तुम्हारे लिए जो दो-तीन लड़कियाँ देख रखी हैं, उन्ही में से कोई एक पसंद कर लो.  

Emancipation (Part 4)

(Last part...)

It was the midnight, my sleep was broken, I saw Rakesh, vomiting on the bed. He did not move any little. After vomiting he again slept. Prakash and Devangan were also sleeping. I left the bed and walked out on the veranda and find a chair to make myself comfortable. The sky was lit with the moon light and the town was looking very much calm and quiet. The roads were emptied and only few motors were running over the roads giving a gap of 2-3 minutes. Their sounds were tearing away the silence of midnights.

I was not feeling sleepy at all, rather than my eyes were wide open. I saw a silhouette, approaching towards me from the darkness. It was anyone whom I knew very well. As that person was coming closer to me, the face might be seen very clearly. I did not believe myself when I saw it and exclaimed loudly, "Varuna!.......Varuna! is that you?" Though I was not getting any answer, but It was the Varuna, and I was seeing her clearly now. But how can Varuna be here wandering over the roads in the midnight.’ It was not possible, I thought.

I convince myself, ‘Let us see the beautiful dream, if you don’t have courage to face the reality.’ I was dreaming with my eyes wide open. I approached her and hugged, kissed her cheeks, her lips. My hands were started struggling with her large bosoms.

She asked me the most difficult question, ‘Do you love me?’

‘I love you, Varuna! I love you very much. You are my heart and I can’t live without you.’ I was murmuring.

‘How much do you love me?’ she asked again.

‘I love you very much, Varuna. Although I am drunk today but a drunken man never tells a lie.’

"Then why have you betrayed me?" she asked.

"I have not betrayed you, Varuna! It started with just a mistake and due to a bet between me and Rakesh. Rakesh has challenged me to prove my manhood long before our affair started, and it was me who trapped in his net and proposed you that night."

"So it was a bet; and for only a bet you have cheated me." exclaimed Varuna.

"Yes; it is true that I have cheated you and played with your emotions; but after proposing you that night; I really fall in love with you, and this I came to realise only after breaking up with you. Believe me, I really love you now."

"Again a lie! I don't believe you any more." she said. 

"What I do so that you believe me and my saying." I asked her.

But it seems as the sillhouette was disappearing now and the sky was started beaming with the sunlight.

"Tell me, Varuna! tell me." I was saying and somebody was shaking me feverously.

"Wake up, Eishwer! wake up man, what are you murmuring?" Rakesh was saying to me.

I saw him and all the other colleagues, who were standing over my head. They were smiling. I could not speak a word neither I tried to explain anything. The same guilt haunted me often in my dream many times, and I tried many times to confess my guilt in front of Varuna, but I failed because I lack the courage to face her and now the college is over, I don't know where she is, and I am still in the search of my emancipation....... 

Emancipation (Part 3)

The continuity of my thinking was disturbed by Prakash who have arrived at room along with one more of his fellow named Devangan. Both of them were familiar with me as I have met them earlier. We greeted each other. Prakash was a cool boy, he didn’t care much about his future, while Devangan was rather serious, he wanted to enjoy like us while became successful like any legend. So he wanted to sail on two boats simultaneously with both of his legs on each boat. Both of them have come for the interview in BHU while I was killing my time. In more prospects, I envied Devangan. He was the topper in his secondary school examination of his state, has completed his PG from BHU and now going to appear for interview for Ph.D. and the chances of his selection was more than that of any other candidate. He was the ultimate genius.

We went together outside in the market and enjoyed tea once again. The sun settled down on the horizon, the streetlights and lights of the shops were lit. And the market was glistening with the yellow and white lights of the bulbs and tube lights. The sky was dark and stars were twinkling. We were talking and walking over the pavements and the motors were running over the roads. The yellow headlights of the motors were coming and passing to us with its sound slightly increasing then decreasing.

We reached at the liquor shop; Prakash always took the lead and entered the shop. “Take a can of beer for me; I would not digest the whisky today.” Devangan was saying to Prakash. Prakash purchased a bottle of whisky ‘Royal Stag full’ and a can of beer. Then we approached a provision store to purchase the soda and masala. Our bag was full and became very heavy. Then we returned to our room.

It is shown in the hindi movies that the hero often takes drink when his beloved cheated him or when he was in any type of family problem or when the burden of grief had fallen on him. But unlike hero of hindi movies, we took the drink when we were feeling happy.

The mehfil was set up and we took our seats for drinks. “Cheers..sss” everybody said. Meanwhile Rakesh and Prakash were talking to each other because they were in the same profession while I was talking to Devangan. Our conversation was limited to our profession.

Prakash was explaining how he teaches in class and explain every terms and hard concepts which come across his topic. If he got trapped or found himself unable to explain anything, he asked that term immediately, to their students before any students asked him. If any student answered, then it is all right otherwise he gave that topic to their students for home work.

Rakesh was feeling rather nervous and while teaching he concentrate on the watch. When his one hour completed, he usually said goodbye to their students. If any students asked him something, he simply answered, “that is out of your level; Understand!” or he would say, “That is not in your syllabus; you know! So don’t ask me such stupid questions.”

After consuming 2-3 pegs, we find our self intoxicated. I knew my capacity so I announced, “This is my last peg; my dear friend!”

Prakash protested and said “Why do you quit only after third peg?”

“I have made a rule for myself; dear!” I said.

“You have to take one more for us. There is only one rule that there is no rule, You know!” said Prakash.

I have to take the fourth peg. Rakesh had taken 6-7 pegs. Our conversation was now crossing the boundry, and we were now discussing about the girlfriends of each other. In such situations, Rakesh always took the lead role. He was saying, “I wanted to marry my old girlfriend whom I have hammered on the bank of river Ganges. But now I find her less attracting and more irritating. Apart from that, there is a junior at my college, who teaches with us and is like colleague, gives full line and length to me now days.” To prove this statement, he started showing the SMSs of that girl from his mobile.

There were a number of messages, all full of love. Some of them were inviting and some were bold. One of them was this “If you will not marry a good girl, you will spoil you life; if you will marry a good girl, neither will you stumped out in your life?”

“The girl is inviting you; why don’t you propose her and victory the fort” said Prakash, who don’t have any girlfriend except one nine to five spouse.

“Well; I am trying and filled the tender form; as soon as I got the approval, the fort will be ours.” said Rakesh. Everybody started giggling and burst in to laughter.

“Tell us about Varuna; Eishwer! Tell us your fucking story.” Rakesh was asking me.

“There is nothing new in my story.” I said.

“My God! This fellow has proved himself a hidden Rustam; He too has a love story.” Exclaimed Devangan with surprise.

“We want to hear that old one.” Insisted Prakash.

“That night when I had proposed Varuna, I had taken liquor; I called her on her phone. I have studied somewhere in the news paper that girls like to be proposed on the mobile phone.” I said.

“What a good idea!” said Rakesh.

When she picked up the phone, I said, ‘I miss you; Varuna, I love you so much”

 Then we took our dinner. After enough talking and enough drinking, everybody became tired and fully intoxicated. Soon, all of them were sleeping. I was also feeling sleepy but there was only two charpoy, and four of us had to share that. Well, we have adjusted our selves on the bed and slept away.

To be continued...

Emancipation (Part 2)

It was evening when I reached Benares. I took the auto-rickshaw to ‘Lanka’ where my friend was living. It took approximately one hour to reach at ‘Lanka’ from the Bus stand because the narrow roads were overcrowded and traffic was jammed.

I was greeted by him with a beautiful smile on his face, which I was seeing after a year. Together we enjoyed the tea at a stall beside the road then we moved towards his room. He was looking rather weak and underweight in comparison to me. Our faces and figures match with each other to such extent that most of the persons got confused when they met either of us on the way. Sometimes they recognized me as Rakesh and Rakesh as me. And there was a Professor Gupta, at our college in Meerut, who made a record in this confusing situation. For over 2-3 months, when we were attending his classes, he gave my attendance to Rakesh and his attendance to me. Meanwhile I was absent due to my illness for a month but in his register I was attending his classes and Rakesh was going to be absent. Finally when our examination dates were declared, and our percentage of attendance was made publicly available, I got 80% attendance in his classes while Rakesh got only 50%.

When we reached at his room, he asked me, “So how is Varuna? Have you talked her or not?” It was the same question asked in every encounter whenever we met each other.

“No!” I said, “I didn’t feel like talking to her although I have mailed her some times.”

“What do you write to her?” he was grinning.

“Oh; not any love letter, but I have mailed her some of my poems. Then after reading and feeling the warmness of my poems, she called me back.” I said.

“And what did she said when she called you?” he asked me eagerly.

“She was expecting the same warmness in our relationship when I was talking to her, but I didn’t show any interest in her. I liked her as she is in my memories only. ” I told him, “Sometimes peoples are seemed much more lucrative and attractive in our memories than they are in reality. Past is lucrative, you know!”              

Varuna was our classmate, the only estrogen in testosterone filled classroom. Everybody made fun of her, and she enjoyed their companionship. Then one day, things have been changed forever, I proposed her.

 His room was something different from ours in Meerut and the difference was clearly visible in his standard of living. In our college days we used to live a lower class life at a room in village area, but now he was living a middle class life at a better room in a posh colony area.

The phone of Rakesh was ringing. “I hope Prakash was calling!” he said.

Prakash was the friend of Rakesh since his graduation days. They have completed their graduation from the same college in same year. After this Rakesh had taken admission at a college in Meerut for his Post graduation while Prakash was succeeded in taking admission in BHU, much better than us.

“Where are you, now?” asked Rakesh on phone. After knowing his exact location, he left his room for receiving Prakash. I preferred to stay in the room, lying on his bed. I was rather lost in our old days. After a long time, when you meet such a person with whom you have spend a number days, some of its sweet and some sour, you automatically lost in those days. The whole memories turned back in your eyes in the form of a film.

I remembered the night when he and I were sitting in our room in Meerut, along with Tomar, one of our colleagues, and there was a bottle of whisky, ‘A full Royal Stag’. It was a cold evening of December, and we were enjoying our drink. We mocked each and everyone in our college and Tomar was an expert in doing mimicry.  Meanwhile he started talking about Varuna.

“Why don’t you propose her?” he asked Rakesh.

“I tried many times, but she didn’t fall in my trap. Otherwise I have hammered her long before.” He said. Rakesh was an expert in hammering anything.

“And what did she told you when you attempted her?” he asked again.

“She told me that my eyes are full of wickedness and I look like a criminal.” Rakesh answered. And all of us laughed together.

“Well! In that case, you should propose her, Eishwer, You have innocent eyes and you don’t looks like criminal.” Tomar said to me.

“Well, I don’t have the courage for this.” I said smilingly.

To be continued...

Emancipation (Part 1)

It was the month of September and monsoon had passed the fields in Awadh range of northern India.  The days were neither very sultry nor too cold. 
Approximately one year had been passed since I have last seen my old friend Rakesh. I was very anxious to meet my old friend, who was my sole companion during the post graduation in our college days. After finishing our college in Meerut, we departed. Rakesh had succeeded in grabbing a job of lecturer post in local college in Benares while I, being more conscious in studies and having more percentage of marks in our examinations, was failing to find a job. Often I wonder ‘What will I do?’ because I could not concentrate my mind in doing anything. As I was not earning any money, I had become totally a parasite on my family.

Wandering here and there aimlessly in my home town Jaunpur, which is just 50-55 km away from the Benares, was my favorite pass time. Apart from this short distance of 55 km, which could be completed in two hours by bus, I hardly got time to go and meet my friend. I had nothing much to do except looking after my family shop, which was largely controlled by my elder brother. In addition to this I didn’t have much interest in business so I had plenty of hours to waste. There was a bridge in the Jaunpur city named ‘Sadbhavana Bridge’ which was a newest kind of bridge in the city build over the Gomati River. I remained stand over the bridge for many hours and watched the rickshaw pullers pulling there rickshaw with a load of very fatty women of 2-3 quintal weight. Watching them filled me with a feeling of satisfaction. I wondered ‘From where these fatty women got their calories?’ I watched their bosoms which were of 2-3 kg each and their hips which were like the hips of Sumo wrestlers. I watched the girls, in their teens, flaunting over their virginity, over their well shaped figures. But their attractive figures too, failed in arousing the feeling of lust in me. I think the connection between money and girls goes hand in hand. When you have nothing in your pocket, your feeling for the girls also died away.

The teaching job of Rakesh was going fine and he became able to make approximately 16000/pm to make a living. He invited me soon after getting the job as some more of his friend were coming on the same day but for a different reason. There was the interview for Ph.D. position in BHU scheduled to be held on the next day, and those friends were coming for appearing in the interview.

I took the bus going to Benares. I had not visited the city since my grand father was expired, last time approximately 3 years ago. I remember the scene of the dead body of my grand father. People from our village along with our family members were saying, “Only the name of Ram is truth, only the name of Ram is truth…” My brothers, my father and my uncle were carrying away the divine body of my grand father. The peoples were going through the roads, through the congested paths of the town and finally reached at the ‘Manikarnika Ghat’ a place where all the divine bodies were burned. I saw the building over the bank of Ghat which had become black due to the smoke produced from the pyre. There were some figures being engraved over the wall of the building with a name which is a legend in itself ‘Raja Harish Chandra’ the Satyawadi. The divine body of my grand father was gifted to the God of fire after some religious rituals. We were sitting over the stairs of the Ghats until the pyre turned in to ashes. Then we took the holy dip in the River Ganges and mother Ganges took away all the grief and sorrow associated with our grand father demise. The divine body of my grand father had again smitten in to the eternal five elements of which our body has made of, air, fire, water, earth and sky. Our grand father had got his emancipation in Benares.     

The city has a number of names, like Benares, Kaasi and Varanasi, each name has its own origin. It is called the heritage city and people from all over the world came here in the search of emancipation. They sat down on the stairs of the Ghats over bank of River Ganges and lost in its beauty. They saw the funeral pyre of the dead bodies of the persons belonging to Hindu religion, being set on fire. It is purely religious ritual and the scene of the dead bodies burning in the fire, filled one’s heart with rather a feeling of satisfaction. There is a charm in these burning bodies which attracts the tourists from over the world.     

To be continued.....          

The Loss..

I have to apply for higher studies in a university, and I needed a number of documents which I didn't have at that time and which was required for filling the application form. I have to go to Meerut, where my college was situated, and for this I have to travel for two days continuously. I was feeling very strange as I has left my previous job only after one month and currently unemployed as previously for one year after completion of the course and my confidence level was zero. I was thinking, 'what would I say?' if someone ask me there, "So what are you doing now a days?"

On the evening of 9th February, I was on the train, I have to spend whole of my night in the sleeper class berth of a train going from Allahabad to Meerut. When I arrived my college in morning of the 10th February, I met a number of persons, some ware familiar while some not. I collected my documents, met various persons including my guide sir, Mr. Rupesh Dudhe, who is more than a guide and I considered him actually a friend of me, because he often guide me on taking some big decisions. I spend whole of my day with him, and refreshed our memory of our college days when he was a mere teacher to me and I was his student. The whole day passed and in the evening when I was returning, I was thinking about his words, about my future prospective, about my life and others and about everything which happened to me the whole day. I was completely lost in my thoughts that in the evening when I again arrived at Meerut railway station to catch the returning train, I came to realize that I have lost my mobile phone. Immediately I ran towards a PCO and tried many times to call back my mobile number, in the hope that any gentleman would surely have find my mobile phone, and when I call back on my mobile he would surely say to return my mobile phone happily. But it was not happened as I was thinking, opposite to that my mobile number responded as "switched off". I filled with a feeling of grief and guilt, as I was not earning any money, and I lost the mobile phone which was provided to me from my family. Moreover I have lost  all the contact numbers of the persons, who were very important to me as well as for my future. I filled with a feeling of hatred towards me.

I got in my train and occupied my seat, thinking 'what should I do?', 'Where should I go?' although I was going towards my home, yet I didn't have any wish to return. I opened my bag and started reading "Aleph", the latest semi autobiographical novel by world's most favorite author Paulo Coelho. As I opened the book, on the very first page selected randomly, there he was with his different principles, attitude, innovative thinking and inspirational thoughts. 

He was discussing about the loss and written in his novel;

"Whenever I refused to follow my fate, something very hard to bear would happen in my life. And that is my great fear at the moment, that some tragedy will occur. Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: Loss. When faced by any loss, there is no point in trying to recover what has been, it's best to take advantage of the large space, that opens up before us and fill it with something new. In theory, every loss is for our good; in practice, though, that is when we question the existence of God and ask ourselves, 'What did I do to deserve this?'

...............................

anyone truly committed to life never stops walking. Heaven and earth are meeting in a storm which, when it's over, will leave the air purer and the fields fertile but before that happens, houses will be destroyed, centuries-old trees will topple, paradise will be flooded." 

It seems as he has wonder in his words; whenever we read him, a miracle happen. As I am atheist and I didn't believe in miracles until I read him, I started to believe in miracles. As he himself has written 

"Miracles only happen if you believe in miracles." 

Whenever I face any difficulty, I seek inspiration from him and his writings... and he is always there waiting for me to help me, with smile on his face....

Past to be blamed or not?

When I was studying in my graduation, I came across a quote written by a famous philosopher,

"Past is the cause of present and present will be the cause of future. All these are interlinked with each other."

and I was considering this quote very true, and has applied many times, whenever something unusual happened in my personal life. It was the result of this quote that, often, I blame my past, my decision of doing B.Pharm. instead of preparing for PMT (Pre Medical Test). Even today, I think many times that I should have been prepared for the PMT, after my intermediates. I felt guilty for a long time because the decision of doing B.Pharm. was wrong in my attitude, which has spoiled my bright future.

If I had prepared for PMT after my intermediate, then the present canvas of my life would be something different. I am not saying that I have become totally useless by doing B.Pharm, but the envy of a doctor has been occupied a permanent place in my heart, and it has glued in my mind as any unfulfilled wish. For a long time, I has constantly blaming myself totally for it. In addition to this, I also question myself, 'is it right to blame our past for the cause of present?' I was continuously searching for it's answer.

As presently, I am reading the newest autobiographical novel, 'Aleph' by one of my favourite author, Paulo Coelho. I has read his many novels, in which 'The Alchemist' is my favourite one.  While reading this novel yesterday, I got the answer of one of my question, 'is it right to blame our past for the cause of present?'

Mr. Coelho has a different attitude over this question. According to Mr. Coelho-

"We learn in the past, but we are not the result of that. We suffered in the past, loved in the past, cried and laughed in the past, but that is of no use to present. The present has it's challenges, it's good and bad side. We can neither blame nor be grateful to the past for what is happening now. Each new experience has nothing to do with past experience, it's always new."

In a different place in this novel, he has written,

Image courtesy: https://www.facebook.com/paulocoelho

"You can spend your entire life blaming the world, but your successes or failures are entirely your own responsibility. It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory, but when you succeed, you start to realize that you are capable of far more than you imagined."

"They lie in what you call the "past" and await a decision to be made in what you call the "future". They clog your mind and slow you down, and won't let you understand the present"


I found his thoughts very useful and very inspiring as it has changed my way of thinking. I don't think now, I have committed any mistake by doing B.Pharm.....