The sense of an ending..

No, I am not going to write the review of the book, "The sense of an Ending". Actually it is related to my life, my feelings and my aspirations which are leading towards ending.
Madhya Pradesh Public Service Commission (MPPSC) has called me for interview for Madhya Pradesh State Service Examination 2014, scheduled to be held on September 13th 2016 at its office in Indore.

Earlier I have qualified preliminary examination of MPPSC. Then I faced the mains examination of it in Bhopal and now they have called me for interview. 

"No need to think
about MPPSC"

I told my father about it. He advised me to leave it. He told me, "When you are doing a PCS level job near your home in your own state, then what is the point in doing the same level of job in any other state? Better focus on UPSC."

I think, he is right. I should focus on UPSC. But my concentration towards my studies is interrupted. And the reason is not unknown to me. I know what is the problem but I couldn't control myself. I am killing my time, when UPPSC mains exam 2016 is on my head and scheduled to start from September 20th 2016. I am feeling unable to revise my old notes. Although I like reading geography (my optional in exam) and general studies subject, yet I have lost my interest in reading for this examination.

I couldn't figure out, what would I write in exam, which I have to face from 20th September 2016? Whatever I tried to read, couldn't memorise it. Is it because of my marriage? Should I blame to my marriage for my distraction from studies? I don't know. I am not such a guy who blame others for failure and takes credit for success. I am responsible for my life and I don't blame anyone for anything in my life.

Sometimes I think I will prepare for this exam next year. But I shouldn't forget that it is competitive exam unlike any academic exam. Next year the situations would not be same for me as it is now.

Most probably, I would be a married man next year. I would be posted as "Assistant Commissioner Commercial Taxes" in any district of my state. So will I be able to prepare in such situations? I have speculations over it. May be the situation would be very unsupportive for me to prepare for this exam. But You have to do your best for selection in UPSC.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not devoting enough attention and time to my studies. I begin to think like, "Is this the end of me? Is this the end of my civil service preparation?" And then a sense of an ending enslaved me. "Is this job is best for me or the best is yet to come in my life?" I don't know.

I never think, I have became a mature person and always deemed myself as any naive person in any field. In biological terms, I always consider myself as caterpillar and think, my wings are not ready yet.

Although I want to work hard on my studies so that I reach such a place where I no longer need to introduce myself, but I don't know, why am I lagging behind. I think, I need a break from my studies. After break, I would be in such a situation when I can start afresh.
I am a little bit of lazy person too. I just want to sit and do nothing. So for sitting and doing nothing, I have to reach on top. And I see UPSC as provider of such opportunity to reach on top.

I remember those days, when I was an aspirant and I just wanted to get a PCS level job only, so that my family feel proud of me.

In those days, I used to think, "once I would get any job, I would return to my literary world. I would write stories and poems. I would explore authors and novelist. I would leave this civil services competition field for sure."

It was my dream to become a storyteller like Mr Ruskin Bond. I realized that my creativity have been killed from the day, I entered in this competitive field. But now, when I have got a PCS level job, my greed (or the greed of my family persons or surrounding), have entered in a new phase.

Now, they expect best of me. I think, I have been trapped in "chakravyuh" of civil services. I want redemption from this but I can't. I want to close the door to the world of civil services competition, because in my opinion, it would lead me to nowhere. I belong to literary world and not this civil service world. But I am helpless and can't close that door now.

My job has not remained only my job now, which would be a source of my livelyhood only. It has become a matter of pride for my family, for my community and for my relatives. So I don't think, I would get emancipation from this competitive world anytime soon.
In this way a sense of an ending is engulfing me from both the sides, from competitive world as well as from literary world.

Jitendra

The sense of an Indifference..

Still of the sky somewhere
on my way to Allahabad

Finally I have joined on the post of Assistant Commissioner in department of Commercial Taxes in Allahabad zone under the government of Uttar Pradesh in the month of August 2016. It is the first job of my life. The family persons are happy upon my joining this job perhaps more than me. But I have a sense of an  indifference buried deep inside in my heart. I have always wanted to become a creative person, either a writer or a scientist. But I think, I have been voluntarily trapped in the same rooster coop, which I have read in the novel, "The White Tiger" by Mr. Arvind Adiga. This job has given me a status of gazetted officer, a class II government officer, a officer with blue beacon and more than that a respectful place in our society. But I am indifferent to all these facilities. I think I am neither happy nor sad.

In the month of September 2016, I got first salary of my life. I could not think, what should I do with my salary. I have seen many persons, upon getting their first salary, partying and shopping with their friends and families. But I did nothing with my first salary. I don't have any materialistic aspirations. All of my wishes have been fulfilled by my family since my childhood. So the money, I got as my first salary, means nothing to me.

This year, I have given UPSC preliminary exam once again. The exam was fine as far as my preparations was concerned, but I shouldn't hope for positive result because UPSC is called Unpredictable Public service commission. Anything may be happen. I have to appear for UPPSC mains examination 2016 too, starting from 20th of September 2016. Some of my well-wishers have suggested me to fight for the executive post, like Deputy Collector (Sub Divisional magistrate or SDM), and Deputy Superintendent of Police (DySP). But I am lacking in motivation for these posts. I share my feelings with my father. I asked him, "Should I prepare for mains exam this year?" He advised me, "Feel happy for this post (ACct) which you have got because this post is free from any political interference. On this post, you can work freely without any outer pressure like public or politicians. It is very peaceful job which suits your nature." I think my father is saying right so I couldn't make up my mind to prepare for this upcoming exam. It is like burden on my head. Instead he suggested me to go for UPSC but it requires great amount of dedication.

Actually the whole civil services now seems like burden to me. Although I like reading but the idea of reading for passing mere an exam seems boring to me. Many of my colleagues are preparing for the UPPSC mains 2016 exam and some are opting for UPSC exams too. But I am neither reading nor preparing anything. That is why I think I would be remain in the same place while my colleague would surpass me. I know, this is competition. Here only Darwin's theory of evolution is applied. The theory of survival of fittest. Here either you perform or perish. No mercy. Although many of my friends say about myself that I always underestimates myself. According to them I am a talented man yet it is equally true that hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard in this competitive world.

Now a days, I regularly go to my office at Allahabad. One day, while going upstairs, I have seen a woman with two kids lying in the corner of stairs. I couldn't imagine the plight of that woman. There was the filthy "paan ki peek" in the corner of stairs where the woman was sleeping. Seeing them was a disturbing experience for me. The Gandhi's Talisman, which I have read in many NCERT text books, suddenly resurfaced in my memory. I am still thinking, What can I do for them? How can I make there living better with the help of my job? I don't know whether my feeling is same as that of Gautam Buddha, when he had seen the ailing man, the dead man and the sanyasi for the first time. Buddha was filled with the melancholy. But these scenes, I am seeing since my childhood and I have become habitual to it. Yet I distract whenever I see such people.

Although I have reached such a position where thousands of persons aspire to reach. In this way, I have tried to reduce the feeling of insecurity in me. Yet many times the feeling of insecurity anchoraged me and I am like any helpless guy. I have seen many of my colleague. I have observed that they are making contacts and getting familiar with all the officials. The higher officials recognized them but not me. I know what is the reason for my condition of lagging behind. I am not so talkative and don't mingle with everyone. So I am not like all of my colleagues. So a sense of alienation has trapped me.

My family have fixed the date of my marriage. So most probably I would become a married man at the end of this year. So my status would be upgraded from single to double, from bachelor to married. According to many, getting married is the most important decision of anyone's life. Actually it is the ultimate dream of many in our society to get married, but for me, it was rather a tough decision. I can't imagine myself as a married man. I have always dreamed myself as a lifelong bachelor just like Mr. Ruskin Bond (my favourite author) and Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam (the famous scientist). These eminent personalities have always been my ideal and all of them are bachelor too. In addition to this I don't know whether I would be able to bear the responsibilities of my family, responsibilities of my future to be wife?

But in spite of all these, I have decided for getting married. Actually it is the decision of my family and I have respected their decision. Although I have developed a liking for her yet I don't know whether I would be happy with her or not and vice versa? I can't share all my feelings here on this place but I have really some speculations regarding my future as married man.
So, conclusively I may say that I have a sense of indifference as far as the matter of my first job, my first salary and my marriage is concerned. But a smile floats on my face whenever I see the smiling face of my father and of my grandmother because of my job and marriage. So if they are happy because of me, then, I think I should also get pleasure in the happiness of my elders.

Jitendra