The sense of an ending..

No, I am not going to write the review of the book, "The sense of an Ending". Actually it is related to my life, my feelings and my aspirations which are leading towards ending.
Madhya Pradesh Public Service Commission (MPPSC) has called me for interview for Madhya Pradesh State Service Examination 2014, scheduled to be held on September 13th 2016 at its office in Indore.

Earlier I have qualified preliminary examination of MPPSC. Then I faced the mains examination of it in Bhopal and now they have called me for interview. 

"No need to think
about MPPSC"

I told my father about it. He advised me to leave it. He told me, "When you are doing a PCS level job near your home in your own state, then what is the point in doing the same level of job in any other state? Better focus on UPSC."

I think, he is right. I should focus on UPSC. But my concentration towards my studies is interrupted. And the reason is not unknown to me. I know what is the problem but I couldn't control myself. I am killing my time, when UPPSC mains exam 2016 is on my head and scheduled to start from September 20th 2016. I am feeling unable to revise my old notes. Although I like reading geography (my optional in exam) and general studies subject, yet I have lost my interest in reading for this examination.

I couldn't figure out, what would I write in exam, which I have to face from 20th September 2016? Whatever I tried to read, couldn't memorise it. Is it because of my marriage? Should I blame to my marriage for my distraction from studies? I don't know. I am not such a guy who blame others for failure and takes credit for success. I am responsible for my life and I don't blame anyone for anything in my life.

Sometimes I think I will prepare for this exam next year. But I shouldn't forget that it is competitive exam unlike any academic exam. Next year the situations would not be same for me as it is now.

Most probably, I would be a married man next year. I would be posted as "Assistant Commissioner Commercial Taxes" in any district of my state. So will I be able to prepare in such situations? I have speculations over it. May be the situation would be very unsupportive for me to prepare for this exam. But You have to do your best for selection in UPSC.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not devoting enough attention and time to my studies. I begin to think like, "Is this the end of me? Is this the end of my civil service preparation?" And then a sense of an ending enslaved me. "Is this job is best for me or the best is yet to come in my life?" I don't know.

I never think, I have became a mature person and always deemed myself as any naive person in any field. In biological terms, I always consider myself as caterpillar and think, my wings are not ready yet.

Although I want to work hard on my studies so that I reach such a place where I no longer need to introduce myself, but I don't know, why am I lagging behind. I think, I need a break from my studies. After break, I would be in such a situation when I can start afresh.
I am a little bit of lazy person too. I just want to sit and do nothing. So for sitting and doing nothing, I have to reach on top. And I see UPSC as provider of such opportunity to reach on top.

I remember those days, when I was an aspirant and I just wanted to get a PCS level job only, so that my family feel proud of me.

In those days, I used to think, "once I would get any job, I would return to my literary world. I would write stories and poems. I would explore authors and novelist. I would leave this civil services competition field for sure."

It was my dream to become a storyteller like Mr Ruskin Bond. I realized that my creativity have been killed from the day, I entered in this competitive field. But now, when I have got a PCS level job, my greed (or the greed of my family persons or surrounding), have entered in a new phase.

Now, they expect best of me. I think, I have been trapped in "chakravyuh" of civil services. I want redemption from this but I can't. I want to close the door to the world of civil services competition, because in my opinion, it would lead me to nowhere. I belong to literary world and not this civil service world. But I am helpless and can't close that door now.

My job has not remained only my job now, which would be a source of my livelyhood only. It has become a matter of pride for my family, for my community and for my relatives. So I don't think, I would get emancipation from this competitive world anytime soon.
In this way a sense of an ending is engulfing me from both the sides, from competitive world as well as from literary world.

Jitendra

The sense of an Indifference..

Still of the sky somewhere
on my way to Allahabad

Finally I have joined on the post of Assistant Commissioner in department of Commercial Taxes in Allahabad zone under the government of Uttar Pradesh in the month of August 2016. It is the first job of my life. The family persons are happy upon my joining this job perhaps more than me. But I have a sense of an  indifference buried deep inside in my heart. I have always wanted to become a creative person, either a writer or a scientist. But I think, I have been voluntarily trapped in the same rooster coop, which I have read in the novel, "The White Tiger" by Mr. Arvind Adiga. This job has given me a status of gazetted officer, a class II government officer, a officer with blue beacon and more than that a respectful place in our society. But I am indifferent to all these facilities. I think I am neither happy nor sad.

In the month of September 2016, I got first salary of my life. I could not think, what should I do with my salary. I have seen many persons, upon getting their first salary, partying and shopping with their friends and families. But I did nothing with my first salary. I don't have any materialistic aspirations. All of my wishes have been fulfilled by my family since my childhood. So the money, I got as my first salary, means nothing to me.

This year, I have given UPSC preliminary exam once again. The exam was fine as far as my preparations was concerned, but I shouldn't hope for positive result because UPSC is called Unpredictable Public service commission. Anything may be happen. I have to appear for UPPSC mains examination 2016 too, starting from 20th of September 2016. Some of my well-wishers have suggested me to fight for the executive post, like Deputy Collector (Sub Divisional magistrate or SDM), and Deputy Superintendent of Police (DySP). But I am lacking in motivation for these posts. I share my feelings with my father. I asked him, "Should I prepare for mains exam this year?" He advised me, "Feel happy for this post (ACct) which you have got because this post is free from any political interference. On this post, you can work freely without any outer pressure like public or politicians. It is very peaceful job which suits your nature." I think my father is saying right so I couldn't make up my mind to prepare for this upcoming exam. It is like burden on my head. Instead he suggested me to go for UPSC but it requires great amount of dedication.

Actually the whole civil services now seems like burden to me. Although I like reading but the idea of reading for passing mere an exam seems boring to me. Many of my colleagues are preparing for the UPPSC mains 2016 exam and some are opting for UPSC exams too. But I am neither reading nor preparing anything. That is why I think I would be remain in the same place while my colleague would surpass me. I know, this is competition. Here only Darwin's theory of evolution is applied. The theory of survival of fittest. Here either you perform or perish. No mercy. Although many of my friends say about myself that I always underestimates myself. According to them I am a talented man yet it is equally true that hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard in this competitive world.

Now a days, I regularly go to my office at Allahabad. One day, while going upstairs, I have seen a woman with two kids lying in the corner of stairs. I couldn't imagine the plight of that woman. There was the filthy "paan ki peek" in the corner of stairs where the woman was sleeping. Seeing them was a disturbing experience for me. The Gandhi's Talisman, which I have read in many NCERT text books, suddenly resurfaced in my memory. I am still thinking, What can I do for them? How can I make there living better with the help of my job? I don't know whether my feeling is same as that of Gautam Buddha, when he had seen the ailing man, the dead man and the sanyasi for the first time. Buddha was filled with the melancholy. But these scenes, I am seeing since my childhood and I have become habitual to it. Yet I distract whenever I see such people.

Although I have reached such a position where thousands of persons aspire to reach. In this way, I have tried to reduce the feeling of insecurity in me. Yet many times the feeling of insecurity anchoraged me and I am like any helpless guy. I have seen many of my colleague. I have observed that they are making contacts and getting familiar with all the officials. The higher officials recognized them but not me. I know what is the reason for my condition of lagging behind. I am not so talkative and don't mingle with everyone. So I am not like all of my colleagues. So a sense of alienation has trapped me.

My family have fixed the date of my marriage. So most probably I would become a married man at the end of this year. So my status would be upgraded from single to double, from bachelor to married. According to many, getting married is the most important decision of anyone's life. Actually it is the ultimate dream of many in our society to get married, but for me, it was rather a tough decision. I can't imagine myself as a married man. I have always dreamed myself as a lifelong bachelor just like Mr. Ruskin Bond (my favourite author) and Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam (the famous scientist). These eminent personalities have always been my ideal and all of them are bachelor too. In addition to this I don't know whether I would be able to bear the responsibilities of my family, responsibilities of my future to be wife?

But in spite of all these, I have decided for getting married. Actually it is the decision of my family and I have respected their decision. Although I have developed a liking for her yet I don't know whether I would be happy with her or not and vice versa? I can't share all my feelings here on this place but I have really some speculations regarding my future as married man.
So, conclusively I may say that I have a sense of indifference as far as the matter of my first job, my first salary and my marriage is concerned. But a smile floats on my face whenever I see the smiling face of my father and of my grandmother because of my job and marriage. So if they are happy because of me, then, I think I should also get pleasure in the happiness of my elders.

Jitendra

Some Poems...

Criticism...

Yesterday, I shared my feelings to my parents, that I like that girl from my maternal side and wish to marry with her. And you know what, everyone in my family starts criticizing me. 

My father said, "Have you gone mad? Don't you understand that she would be your sister in distant relationship? What would the society say? The people would laugh at us. Do you want the reputation of our family should be brought down to dust? Do you find any scarcity of girls in our community that you are thinking about her?"

My grandmother said, "Why are you giving so much importance to physical beauty? Does good nature, good character and culture means nothing to you?"

My elder brother and sister is criticising me and saying to not to go for that girl. My elder sister's husband is criticising me too. He even advised me to not to think about that girl and concentrate on my studies as I have to appear for UPSC this year. He told me to go to Delhi once again and do some coaching. When I told him that I don't need any coaching, and studying and preparing well from home itself, he scolded me and said, "Preparation of UPSC can not be done from home. You have to study 12 to 14 hours a day." Contrary to this, when I was an aspirant approximately two years ago, and was not selected anywhere, he told me once, "Don't dream too high. Do the government teaching job quietly which you will get after your teacher training course and concentrate on your family business. Civil services preparation demands hard work and devotion and I doubt your capacity." And now, he is suggesting me to go for civil services.

I was listening to all of my family members and their criticism. I think I gradually become indifferent towards them. Their advices, though valuable, seems  useless to me. No one is thinking about my wish, my feelings and my aspirations. Everyone is concerned about society. 'What the society would say?'

If they would come to me and ask me, "what I would say about them, about their society?" I will describe them in just a single sentence, "You all are crab in a tank!!" 

Jitendra Gupta

A tale of two girls...

Finally I have decided to marry with any girl in my own caste. Inter caste marriage would proved to be a disaster for me, and I am in mood to ruin my life. I have seen several girls on various matrimonial sites, in our society, their photographs, bio data and all that, but shortlisted only two girls, both of them belongs to my caste. Both of them are cute and charming, irrespective of there optant, because one of them was liked by me while other, by my family. Indian marriages are not as simple to fix as seen from above. As the renowned Indian author Mr. Chetan Bhagat, in his novel, '2 States' (which I have read when I was doing my post graduate studies), have described about Indian marriages as...  

"Love marriages around the world are simple: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. They get married. In India, there are a few more steps: Boy loves Girl. Girl loves Boy. Girl’s family has to love boy. Boy’s family has to love girl. Girl’s Family has to love Boy’s Family. Boy’s family has to love girl’s family. Girl and Boy still love each other. They get married."

Although I am not talking about love marriage here, but above lines are very much true for arranged marriage too. Just replace the word 'love marriage' with 'arranged marriage' and word 'loves' to 'likes', and the above lines would became like this...

"Arranged marriages around the world are simple: Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. They get married. In India, there are a few more steps: Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy. Girl’s family has to like boy. Boy’s family has to like girl. Girl’s Family has to like Boy’s Family. Boy’s family has to like girl’s family. Girl and Boy still like each other. They get married."

You might be wondering, 'So what is the problem?' OK! I am trying to explain. On the one hand, There is a girl opted by my parents. That girl, her nature, her family, her family's status in society, her physical beauty each and everything were considered a suitable match for me by my parents and many in my family. The girl's family have visited numerous times to my home and are very much interested in me because I am a PCS officer with blue beacon on my four wheeler. But I am rather skeptical about that girl despite all the praising about her by my family members. The girl is more simplistic, less fashionable and serious in nature. (Such persons are called mediocre.) Interestingly, these traits are mine too. I am also simplistic, less fashionable and serious in nature. (So I am a mediocre too.) I dislike mediocre, so I dislike myself too. Perhaps, this is the reason, I don't feel any type of attraction towards her despite meeting her for once. And she remained a stranger for me. I could not imagine her as my future wife. Apart from that, I have no reason to say no to them.

On the other hand, there is another girl. The girl is the daughter of one of my maternal uncles  in a distant relationship. I like this girl the most. I like her physical beauty but unaware of her nature as I have chatted with her only once. She is very attractive, very fashionable and a talkative girl. I am deficient in these elements, that is why I like these traits. You can say, I am being hypnotized towards her beauty that I can imagine her as my future wife. Although I know that physical beauty is not eternal, it would last in few years and it is the nature and soul of that person living in that physical body, which is eternal, yet I am unable to convince my heart. My family members already knew about her family and their history. There was once a property dispute at her home, and my father had helped her father. To which her father is indebted to our family even today although there was a dispute relating to money between my father and her father and her father had complained about this in our society. My father had to face defamation. He was branded as a greedy person despite his one sided support towards her father. I think this is the sole problem, that is why my family members are skeptical towards her family. My maternal uncle, too, have visited my home many times and are very much interested for the same reason (PCS). I came to know about that girls only a few days ago. They have contacted us for marriage only after my PCS result was announced. Before that I was unaware about her. (I don't know what they were thinking of me before my result? Why they have not contacted my father for this?) My grandmother told her family that I would be her brother in our relations so this marriage is not possible. 'What would the people and our society say?' Such types of relations are possible only in muslim community and not in hindus.

So what should I do now? Although I like that girl (of my maternal side), but my parents don't agree. And I don't like that girl on which my parents are agree. I have tried to convince my parents but failed. Contraty to this, they start moulding me in to their thoughts. You can say, It is easy for me to fight and rebel from my own family, but it is much harder to convince them. 

Jitendra Gupta

Riddle...

Yesterday, I met her after a long time. She was my batch mate in teaching course time and currently preparing for civil services exam. She was asking me for party for my selection in civil services exam. So I invited her in a restaurant. After enjoying party, I along with her, went to a nearby park. There were so many couples in that park, and all of them were loving each other. So it was a kind of lover's park. She was looking very cute and charming. Together we spent two to three hours at that place. We were talking about our friendship, career, future, marriage and many more things. That was really a memorable time. I was lost in conversation with her, that I forgot I was sitting in any park. I have always have a feeling of affection since day one of the teaching course, but unfortunately, I never crimp enough courage to share my feeling with her. Meanwhile, one of my close friend proposed her and she became girlfriend of my friend. In spite of this, I always maintained my friendship with her. I always thought that I am not deserving her. But, yesterday, when I shared my feeling and told her that I felt affectionated since the commencement of our teaching course, she seemed not surprised. Rather her feeling was like mine, she told me. It seemed to me as time stopped at that place and we were back in to the past when we were together at that time. I was trapped in a nostalgia and for the first time I wished to have her. She was trying to hold my hand. The feeling related to innocent touch of her hand is fresh in my heart even at this time.
She has become a riddle for me. Nothing would be wrong if I continue my friendship with her, but if I take the forward step and asked her to move ahead in our relationship, it would cost very dear to me. Most probably I would lost my close friend (who is currently her boyfriend). My family would end up all relations with me. I would become enemy for her family as our caste is different. Her family would never accept me as I am from lower caste and she would not be accepted in my family as she belongs to upper caste. May be they would murder us as it would be an inter caste marriage and our orthodox society would never accept it. May be they would socially boycott me and my family and my family would become scapegoat for this caste related hatred. This would be the trailer of that horrible film for which I would try to write script if I would take forward step in relation with her. Am I have enough courage to face such atrocities? Perhaps not!!
It was getting evening. I said goodbye to her. All the couples were still busy in loving at that park. I went to bus stand and took my bus to home. I was thinking about her throughout my ride. But when I reached my home, there was another story remaining to be unfold. It was related to my marriage, an arranged marriage.
Marriage has become a riddle, too, which I am feeling unable to decode. Father has done his duty and searched a girl for me. What should I do now? Should I marry with her or not? Although I have met her for once, but even after that she seems stranger to me. I don't feel any type of attraction towards her. Should I marry any stranger, whom I don't know well? I have never defied my father. He told me to do graduation in pharmacy, I did. He told me to do business after under graduation and post graduation, I did. He told me to do teacher training course, I did. He told me to prepare for civil services exam, I did. Now he is telling me to marry a girl of his choice. As you can see, It is the life which I am not living on my own terms and conditions, my life is defined by my father. I have never find any chance in my 30 years of life, to develop my personal likes and dislikes. That is why I, myself, have told him that I am unable to search any girl, as I am inexperienced. I don't know how to opt a girl for marriage, so it would be better, if you do this job. 

You might have seen so many smiling faces of brides and grooms on their wedding day. I wonder, what makes them to smile. Is it a suitable life partner of their choice? Is it the beginning of a so called new life? Is it sex? What is that, that makes them smile? 

I think I have developed a tendency to convert simple things in life in to complicated one. I have done these things earlier and I am doing this again and again. There are so many persons in our society, who are happily married and living a good life. Why this always happens to me? Why do I makes life complicated? 

One the one hand, there is the girlfriend of my friend. I and she, both are having a feeling of affection for each other and very curious to go ahead on that path which is full of difficulties. If I opt this option, it would be a love marriage. But if I follow the path shown to me by my father (of arranged marriage), the life would be much easier and full of respect, which the society would bestow on us. I have make things complicated. Now I myself have to solve this riddle but I don't know how??....

Jitendra Gupta

Illusion...

There is no scope of adding the word 'Probably' in it. I remember it clearly, I have never seen him being hospitalized like this for last 28 years of my life. While I have been hospitalized on several occasions in this short span of my life.
He was lying on the bed in front of me, but he was not feeling sleepy. Rather he was yawning. 'Such things are common in hospitals', I thought. I have gone there just in the morning while my brothers were with them in hospital room throughout night. But now, only I was there with him in the hospital room. Amma, too, had gone. One hour had passed since I went there, and we were not feeling like talking to each other. Just then the sound of a type of prayer entered in the room...
'Itani shakti hame de na data! man ka vishwas kamjor ho na!'
"Same prayer use to be use at several other college, Isn't it Annu!", Father was asking me, and before I replied, he himself said, "I have listened the same prayer at many places."
There was a Nursing College attached just beside the hospital in which we were staying. Morning prayer was being organised in the college and its sound was coming to us.
"Yes! it is the "

Mission I-M-Possible.....

The result of UPPSC preliminary test 2016 is announced, and I have managed to secure 149 marks out of 200 marks, while the cutoff was only 141 marks. Although so many aspirants are discussing about the cutoff, which is according to them is very high, yet  I was not thinking the paper was hard, that is why I have secured more enough than cutoff. Maybe this is the love, I have for 'General Studies' subject. I have developed a liking in me for these humanities subject like History, Geography, Polity, Economy, Agriculture, National and International Issues etc.

I really feel sad why not I came into contact with these subjects earlier in my life. If I would not have to appear for civil services examination, I might not be studying these subjects. Maybe it was the fault of those humanities teachers. They failed to make me curious about these humanities subjects while I was pretty much curious about Science and Mathematics subjects, because I have got a good teacher in my village.

Earlier I was thinking to appear again for mains exam this year. There is only one higher post of SDM  (Sub Divisional Magistrate or Deputy Collector), left above than mine post of ACCT for which I got selected in 2015. I can write UPPSC 2016 mains exam again this year to become SDM. But at the same time, I wish to appear for UPSC exam too, because my ultimate objective is to become IAS. While the syllabus of both the exams are approximately same, yet the questionnaire approach is different. UPPSC focuses on straight questions for which your memory should be strong with a little bit of analytical capability. You have to memorise a lot of facts and figures to clear this exam. While UPSC focuses on memory as well as analytical skills with equal ratio. Your conceptual knowledge would be more useful in UPSC.

No doubt the exam of UPSC is considered one of toughest exam in India. Many aspirants could not clear this exam even after appearing again and again, but there are many who clear it in first attempt. Topper of this year UPSC exam is Miss Tina Dabi, a SC category student, who has managed to clear this exam in her first attempt. While the topper of last year UPSC exam was Miss Ira Singhal, a differently abled category student. All of them have done years of hard work to become overnight sensation. So when they can do it, why not me? I know the path to UPSC is very difficult, but don't forget! it leads to a beautiful destination too. 

Sometimes I doubt over my calibre. "Would I be able to clear this exam?" Then I remember a statement by Mahatma Gandhi, "If you have the belief that you can do it, you will surely acquire the capacity to do it, even if you may not have it in the beginning." So dream of UPSC is very big but remember, "No dream is too big".

Sometimes I think, how would I be able to do it? I have no one to guide me for preparing for UPSC, but then I remember, "If you have light in your heart, you will find your way." So instead of thinking about "I can't!" and "I wish!", I should think and focus on "I can!" and "I will!".

Some subjects, for example Optional Geography subject, seems to me really tough, even after clearing UPPSC 2015 exam with the same subject and scoring 276 in total 400 marks. But at the same time, when I revise it step by step, it become easy. It is really true, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

Although I have cleared UPPSC exam, yet I feel nervous to appear in the same exam this year, as if I am going to appear in it for the first time. I know, I have come this far to not only come this far. There is a long way for me to go. PCS was just a goal, IAS is the mission.

Although uncertainty would be there, either I would be selected or rejected and I am little bit of frightened too, yet sometimes you have to stopped being scared and just go for it. Either it will work out, or it would not. That is life. There is always ups and down in it.

Many times my past haunts me. I consider my past as a failure. I started from zero in this field and I am a step below to become hero. Meanwhile I was motivated from following lines by Mr Rachit Raj (IAS)...

"In life sometimes you need to close the chapter and move onto the next. Might be the chapter would be quite interesting and comfortable, but still new interesting chapters are waiting way forward. So have that courage to move forward and close the earlier chapter.

You don't know that if you stick to the earlier one's you might not know what hidden things are kept for you. So don't loose your patience and temper. Keep yourself calm and composed and don't repent on your decision. 

If you have decided to move forward, then repent on your past and decision, instead try to acknowledge present and try to make your future more bright."

Jitendra Gupta

Some more Honors..

Sharing some more pictures while being honored at Chemist and Druggist Welfare Association, Jaunpur, and at a village function. Frankly speaking, I really got fed up with these Honoring ceremonies. It is very unusual experience because I am not accustomed to this overwhelming respect. There is a shayari, I would like to share here, relevant on this situation....

"फिर कोई दर्द मिलेगा, तैयार रह ऐ दिल;

कुछ लोग पेश आ रहे बडे प्यार से!"

Sometimes, I think, "What have I achieved?"

"Nothing!", replied my consciousness, "You have just passed an exam, called UPPCS 2015, and got selected as Assistant commissioner Commercial Tax. Apart from this, your achievement is zero! Your contribution in society is zero!" Here is one more shayari on what I am thinking....

"अंधेरों को तो ये भी खल रहा है 

दिया मेरा हवा में जल रहा है

तुम्हारे काम इतने तो नहीं हैं 

तुम्हारा नाम जितना चल रहा है"

Delivering Speech at CDWFA, Jaunpur

With Bureau Chief, Dainik Jagran Newspaper

Memento

With head of CDWFA, Jaunpur

At a function in my village

Memento

My Brothers

B for 'Beauty', C for 'Caste'...

I was chatting with one of my fast friend of graduation days and discussing about my marriage. My friend is currently working as assistant professor in a private College. Several persons approached us for their girls for fixing marriage with me. I was discussing with him that I was finding it difficult to search a suitable girl so that I could marry her. I told him that I have not purchased even a single cloth for myself throughout my life because I don't know how to opt a cloth? I don't know what to look in any object so that I develop a liking for that. Likewise, when my family member asked me to choose any girl from the various photographs scattered against me, I become confused. There are so many girls, of every pattern, from various educational background. I became confused because I have never looked at girls from that point of view.

My friend asked me, "What type of girl, you are searching for, dear?"
"A simple, beautiful, educated and well mannered girl" I replied.
"Such girls are very difficult to find, nowadays, yaar!", he was saying, "In addition to this, you belong to such a backward cast of Teli community, where I have not seen a single beautiful girls till today."
I was rather feel offended not because he was calling me from my cast name, but he was stereotyping my cast community. Same time, I realized that he belongs to upper caste Hindu community. I told him that caste has nothing to do with the beauty, (Actually this thought is told me by one of my friend), it is a god gift, but he was indifferent to my logic. Rather he said, "Beautiful girls are not born in Teli community, all I have seen, are only the ugly faces." He, then send me the picture of his wife and sister in law to prove his statement. His wife and sister in law was actually beautiful.

In my graduation days, he used to call me from my community name, for example, 'Teli Bhai'! or 'Telia' etc. I never minded his words. But for the first time, I feel like he was abusing me and my community. In fact he was abusing my DNA, I realised.
I stopped discussing with him on this matter. His statement was ringing in my ear even today. Is it really true? Does beauty has any connection with caste? May be yes....or may be not. Who knows???
But one thing was clear from that conversation. Caste system is a truth in India despite all the immorality in it. Just imagine, a highly educated person like him, who is working as an assistant professor in a College, still believes in thousand year old caste system. Either the Genes of this caste system has entered in his DNA, and that is why he believes in caste, or that Genes has entered in my DNA, and that is why my community have become ugly.

I looked myself in mirror and asked, "Am I really looking ugly"?
I asked one of my friends too, whether I am really looking ugly?
"No!!" replied my consciousness, "Not at all!!" replied my friend.
I even compared myself with him (in fact a lower caste hindu was comparing himself with upper caste hindu). I was rather superior to him in academic records as well as professional post. I concluded, "At Least caste has nothing to do with intelligence."
I was upset for some days because of his comments and was searching for inspiration to soothe my soul. I found some poems, written by Mr. Harivansh Rai Bacchan, very much motivating in this situation of mine.

And there is a shayari too, which I would like to share here. I don't know, who has written these lines, but it is pretty much relevant on my friend and this thoughts......

"आदतें उसकी थी बस मुझे जलाने वाली 

बात की हंस के मगर दिल को दुखाने वाली 

आजकल वो मुझे कुछ बदला हुआ लगता है 

हो गयीं उसकी निगाहें भी ज़माने वाली 

हमने इख्लास का दामन नही छोड़ा अब तक 

हाय उसकी तो मोहब्बत है रुलाने वाली 

मैने समझा था गुज़र जाएगा मौसम लेकिन

रुत-ए-बरसात भी निकली तो सताने वाली 

तुम्हारे वास्ते अब कोई नही है वसी

खुद से बातें ना करो दिल को बहलाने वाली"

Jitendra Gupta