अम्मा..

अम्मा पिछले कई दिनों से बीमार चल रही है, शायद एक महीने से ज्यादा हो गए है पर उसकी हालत में कोई सुधार नज़र नहीं आ रहा। आज शाम को घर के छत की बालकनी में बैठे हुए उससे बात कर रहा था। कह रही थी की उसे बहुत कमजोरी महसूस हो रही है। पहले तो थोड़ा बहुत खा भी लेती थी पर अब उससे खाना भी नहीं खाया जा रहा है। अम्मा यह जानती है की उसके गुर्दे (किडनी) में बैक्टीरियल संक्रमण हो गया है और ज्यादातर एलोपैथिक दवाइयाँ उस पर असर नहीं कर रही। यह एक विडम्बना ही है की जिसने अपनी सारी जिंदगी दूसरों का इलाज में और उन्हें दवाइयाँ देने में गुजार दी हो आज वो खुद अपनी बीमारी से जूझ रही है। और दूसरे ही क्यों अपने घर में भी हम सब जब-जब बीमार हुए अम्मा की दवाइयों से ही ठीक हुए।
पापा तो पिछले एक साल से अपने कोलेस्ट्रोल को लेकर बीमार चल ही रहे है। अब वो मुझसे ज्यादा बात भी नहीं करते। जब मैंने सिविल की तैयारी शुरू की थी तब वो मुझसे अक्सर मेरी पढाई के बारे में पूछा करते थे और उनका ये पूछना ही मेरे लिए प्रेरणा का कार्य करता था। उस वक़्त उनकी बातों से मुझे लगता था की मुझमे ये परीक्षा उत्तीर्ण करने की योग्यता है पर अब जब वो मुझसे बहुत कम बातचीत करते है तो मुझे लगता है शायद मैं उनकी उम्मीदों पर खरा नहीं उतर पा रहा हूँ। जब की मैं ये जानता हूँ की इस बीमारी की अवस्था में भी वो घर का कितना भार वहन कर रहे है। वो सुबह ही दुकान पर चले जाते है और देर शाम तक वही पर काम करते रहते है। घर के बाहर की सारी जिम्मेदारी भी उन्ही पर है। अम्मा का इलाज़ भी वही करवा रहे है। अगर उनकी जगह कोई और होता या मैं ही क्यों न होता तो शायद अब तक अपनी किस्मत से हार कर थक गया होता। पर थकना तो जैसे उन्हें आता ही नहीं।          

Hope?

The result of UPPSC mains exam 2014 brought some disappointment for me. I couldn't qualified the exam and it lowered my enthusiasm towards civil services preparation but I have not lose my hope.

I think, my result brought disappointment for my father more than it was for me. He was expecting some thing more from me and I couldn't succeed to deliver that. I was knowing I would not qualify this exam because my papers have not gone so well. It was my first attempt and I was failed. I have given the exams of UPPSC mains exam 2015 again this year but I don't have any hope from this exam too. 

When I see the smiling faces of aspirants, who succeeded to make their way in these exams, I don't get any motivation from them anymore. I think I am completely fed up with these success stories.

I couldn't understand why the society, the media and family and surrounding persons start categorizing them as hero just by cracking mere an exam? For such persons, those aspirants who failed in these exams are not intelligent. They consider such failed aspirants as burden on the earth, on their family and on their society.  

I don't think I am on the wrong path. I feel I am constantly moving toward my goal. Since last year when I have started preparing for this exam for the first time, a considerable change occurred in me. I have began this preparation from "zero", and I think I am just a step below from becoming "hero" (as this society thinks about successful aspirants). 

But I have decided I wouldn't smile or flaunt on my success as the most aspirants do. I just want to make smile my father for whom I am preparing this exam. I just want to fulfill my Father's wish. And now, it is not a matter of "how" for me, it is a matter of "when".....

Jitendra Gupta

Way To Go?

It has been a great year for my civil services preparation. I have qualified Upper UPPSC prelims exam 2014, Lower UPPSC Prelims exam 2013 and MPPSC prelims exam 2013. I have appeared in the mains exam too and now waiting curiously for my result hoping for the chances to appear in interviews. Although I have appeared in the IAS prelims 2014 but could not succeed. 

I am preparing for exams after exams tirelessly and now feeling as completely lacking in inspiration. I could not understand 'why am I preparing for these exams. Earlier I was having a dream to become a writer. Then I have to postpone that plan and I joined the civil services preparation because of my father's wish. I can achieve these goals and I don't have any problems except lacking in motivation.  

In addition to this recently I heard that she is going to marry. Earlier she had rejected my proposal when I had indirectly asked her for marriage. I don't know what she was thinking about me and my family. I don't know whether she, herself, had rejected my proposal or it was done by her father. All I know is that she didn't want to marry at earliest. Approximately one year later after rejecting my proposal, I don't know what makes her to change her mind.

From where I think it was because of something else. I think perhaps she didn't like my family as my mother is mentally ill. Now I feel regret and think as a blunder of my life while proposing her for marriage. I should not have done that. Her rejection was not only her rejection but it lowers the reputation of my family.

I had gone ahead with my dreams of becoming a civil servant as it is thought most respected job in our society. I was having a wish, in a corner of my heart, that may be she would accept my proposal. But I was wrong. You may think 'I was dying for her'? Of course not! There is inevitability of marriage in our society. I was having a little bit of affection for her in my heart since last 10 years but never expressed in front of  her. I was rather feeling shy. It was only then when my family members forcing me to marry, I expressed my choice. yeahh....she was my choice! I was not her choice!..

Now what should I do? I have already postponed my plan of marriage because of civil services preparation and now I feel lacking in motivation for this exam...

Feeling confused......