Life is a heap of questions;;

While living my life in a full strength; some questions, about the purpose of life and about our existence, remained question to me. I think about these questions everyday but I don't get any satisfactory answers. On my this dilemma; I have written a few lines-

When I go to walk in the morning;

I meet with various persons on the road by side;

some says, 'Hello; how are you?' to me;

while some remain stranger and don't mingle with me.

I walk, and walk, and walk continuously;

until I tired, and return to home finally;

to become fresh, and join my duty;

the whole day passed in the search of opportunity.

'Who am I?' I think throughout the day;

'What is the purpose of life?' I asked everyday;

'What should I do?' 'Where should I go?';

The questions pile up in to a heap day by day.

I don't get the answer, although;

from horizon, I get back my echoes;

like the world is asking me the same question;

which is still a question for me till today.

                                                                                           Jitendra Gupta

The purpose of life;;

I was reading the novel, "Delhi is Not Far" written by Ruskin Bond, and I found a quot, written by Nobel prize winner Acharya Rabindra Nath Tagore. He has written about Human race-

"Every child born on this earth comes with a message that 'God has not yet discoraged of human race'."

In addition to this, Many philosophers have written that 'Human is the most excellent creation among all the creation by Him.'

A whole day of my life;;

'In the afternoon'

At this time; it is twelve pm,

And the sun is shining over my head.

Soon; it will be four pm, 

And the sun will set in the west.

After this, it will be night;

And we will go to our bed.

The whole day would passed; 

You see; my life is like that.

'In the morning'

I will wake up in the morning;

With a new idea in my head.

I will analyze that same idea;

Throughout the working day.

Time will passed before my eyes; 

And I will do nothing.

"What happens to that idea?"

I will think again; when  go to my bed.

'Next day'

Next day; again I will think;

"I will do this." or "I should do that."

Thinking too much;

Makes me confused day by day.

'No opportunity', 'No hope';

There is; in my life.

I get nothing in my hand; 

Usually; at the end of every day.

'In my room'

The vehicles are moving;

Blindly; over the road.

Sound is coming in my room;

Where I am alone.

Thinking about the future;

While lying on my bed.

Trying to change the history;

While wasting my present.

Jitendra Gupta

Ruskin Bond

Have you gone through the writings of Ruskin Bond, his novellas, essays, poetry, short stories, long stories and his autobiographies. I have studied a story "The Kite Maker" written by Mr. Ruskin Bond in my intermediate English prose book. This single story had made a deep impact on my mind, that I have became a great fan of him. 

Some of stories written by him have became a legend. I remember my childhood days, when my elder sister used to tell us the horror stories during night. My elder sister used to study in "Jawahar Navodaya Vidyalaya" and she got only two months in a whole year which she spend with us, that is summer vacation. Each year, we used to wait for our summer vacation desperately. At that time I was only six or seven year old but listening those horror stories made us too frightened that we glued to our bed under the blanket. In those days, we didn't think about the writer of these stories, because that was not as important as the stories for us. We imagined the words of stories in our mind in the form of a film and horrified. One of the remarkable story was "A Face in the Dark" written by Mr. Bond. In my childhood days, my sister had told us this same story without telling us the name and title of story writer. 
It is only after, I has brought the "Omnibus- The dust on the Mountains" a story collection book written by Mr. Bond, I found this story, 'A Face in the Dark'. And I tell you, 'what a pleasure full experience that was;;'. The stories, which we had listened in Hindi by my sister such a long time ago, was actually written by Mr. Bond. These horror story had inculcated in my mind to such extent as it is as fresh as even today.

Frankly speaking, Mr. Bond is a short story writer, but he is a great poet too. He has written a number of sweet rhymes and poems. One of which is-

  "As I walked home last night

I saw a lone fox dancing

In the cold moonlight.

I stood and watched. Then

Took the low road, knowing

The night was his by right.

Sometimes, when words ring true,

I'm like a lone fox dancing

   In the morning dew."           

(From-'From Small Beginings')

The simplicity of Mr. Bond's writing touches every one's heart. In addition to this the nature plays an essential role in his writing. He has accepted in one of his essays, "If anybody ask me to choose and write some lines between the 'Taj Mahal' or the red rose, I would prefer red rose to Taj." This statement is further confirmed by one more of his little poems-

"I wonder where the green grass went?
All buried under new cement.
I wonder where the birds have flown?
They've gone to find another home.
I wonder where the footpath's gone?
Right underneath your car, my son.
I wonder where the old folks go?
The nursing home will surely know.
What grows so fast before my eyes?
A garbage dump, a million flies.
Is this the place you celebrate?
In prose you made it sound so great;
It was...before I knew it's fate."

(From-'A Town Called Dehra')

Mr. Bond have a great feeling of love about every things in his heart. He told us the very complicated things about life in simplest of his words.

"Remember the long ago when we lay together

In a pain of tenderness and counted

Our dreams: long summer afternoons

When the whistling-thrush released

A deep sweet secret on the trembling air;

Blackbird on the wing, bird of the forest shadows,

Black rose in the long ago summer,

This was your song:

It isn't time that's passing by,

It is you and I."

(From-'Love is a Sad Song)'

Sometimes he became philosopher and writes some mysterious lines-

"We three,

We're not a crowd;

We are not even company-

My echo,

My shadow,

And me..."

(From-'Whistling in the Dark')

Really he is a great contemporary writer of modern India. I have read approximately his whole stories, essays and novellas. Some of my most favourite stories are, 'The Eyes Have It', 'The Night Train at Deoli', 'The Haunted Bicycle', 'Time Stops at Shamli', 'Going Home', 'The Most Potent Medicine of All', 'The Kite Maker', 'The Prospect of Flowers', 'A Face in the Dark', 'The Last Time I Saw Delhi', 'Whispering In the Dark', 'Love is a Sad Song', 'Reunion at Regal', 'When You Can't Climb Trees Anymore' and 'A Love of Long Ago' etc. The writing of Mr. Bond is so much vast and large, that one can do Ph.D. over his writings. He has also written a number of novellas, and my most favourite novel by him is- "The Room On The Roof" and "Vagrants In the Valley". These novels are of semi-autobiographical in nature. Simplicity is the beauty of Mr. Bond's writings. 

Grief;;

It is my younger brother who is doing B.Tech from an engineering college situated in Lucknow. He is a smart guy, good looking and handsome. I recently came to know that he lost the case in which he had been detained from examination by college authority, which was pending in the Lucknow bench of high court. Due to which, his whole one year have been wasted. In addition to this he had to suffer from the mental torture for such a long time. I heard this news from one of my family member's mouth. Upon listening to him, I lost my wish to talk with him. What can I do except expressing grief in front of him.  
I remember those days when he had completed his senior secondary school and was confused for his future. Although he couldn't decide his future, yet he took a simple path of doing BBA. He thought that it would be simple and easy to complete BBA and it was glamorous too. His ultimate aim was to do MBA. But his plan was seemed bogus to me as well as his father (my uncle). So I advised him to do B.Tech. I told him, "The money you are going to invest in BBA would be a wastage, and it would be good for you to do B.Tech by which you can became an engineer." His father was also agree with me. I think he was pressurized indirectly by me as well as by his father, to do B.Tech instead of BBA.
So he made up his mind and took admission in B.Tech. When his first semester result was declared, he was passed in only two subjects out of six subjects and having back in all four subjects.
But after the declaration of his first semester result, he worked hard and performed well in his second semester examination. His result was good. He had passed all the subjects except one back paper. One of my junior whose name was 'Ambika' had once told me about him that "He has sharp mind and good analytical skill and in addition to this he is laborious too."  
He was doing his part of struggle but the situation and circumstances was against him. A strike was organised in his college regarding some local issues and his name was came in to limelight in that strike. In addition to this, he fell ill due to Dengue fever at that time so he had to left the college for approximately one month. As a result, he was detained from the examination along with some other students.
Since then the case was pending in high court, and he was desperately waiting for its result. Mean while I had meet him several times and consoled him that the victory would be his. I have not so much experience but I have heard from some of my colleagues that in such cases, the court favours the student side. But I was wrong. He has lost the case.
I had not called him; he was as quiet as before. I can only anticipate his mental condition. His concentration was disturbed from studies to other things like court case and now he would feel difficulty in concentrating again in his studies.
May God bless him and give him the power so that he could bear such a heavy grief on his shoulders.
I would like to say him only one sentence, "Don't worry brother; the future would be yours";;;  

Courage;;

Now a days, I am singing a Gazal sung by Jagjit Singh,

"Ghar Se Nikle The Hausila Kar Ke,

Laut Aaye Khuda-Khuda Kar Ke."

The same situation is happening with me in my real life. I am trying to do big things but I am getting failed in doing simple and small things. "What is wrong with me? I couldn't analyse it". Up to date I thought, it is the dilemma in my life path, but I was wrong. It is the lack of self confidence and inability to concentrate on my predefined goal that renders me in the state of dilemma.
Often I ask myself "Am I a single guy in this whole cosmos who lacks the decisive power." And I got the answer, "Of course not." There are a number of persons who have became successful only because they lacks the decisive skills, but one thing was unique to them, instead of frustrating with this abnormality, they used it as a tool for being successful in life.
I have done M.Pharm, and from where I think, it is not any big deal to do M.Pharm. For me it is same like as doing simply M.Sc or M.A.. But my relatives and my well wishers don't think like me. They think as like I have done M.D. or M.S. and for them it is a big deal. And from their's point of view, I am a brilliant and I should do something big and excellent. In other words, they expect something excellent from me.
I remember one of my aunt who were laughing at me when she came to know that I am doing the same thing which she had done already and now waiting for her joining (Primary school Teacher). I am not frustrated or depressed by her behaviour but rather I ask myself the same question which she was asking me at that time, "What is the use of doing M.Pharm, when you have to do the same thing which I have done without doing M.Pharm? In that case, you have wasted your precious time and nonrefundable money and got nothing. Now you are on the same position where I am."
Then I thought, "M.Pharm have became curse for me. I could not do the simple things except waiting for the big things." This is the actual meaning of the aforesaid Gazal.
I think there is only one solution to this problem, "don't care for them." You should have courage to realize your dream; and for having courage, hard work is essential; and for doing hard work, an attitude is required "No work is big or small."
  

Dreams;;;

I was listening this Gazal, in the evening time which is one of my favorite Gazals, sung by Jagjit Singh. 

"Hazaro Khwahishe aisi; Ki Har Kwahish Pe Dum Nikle

Bahut Nikle Mere Armaan; Lekin Phir Bhi Kam Nikle"

The song is all about our infinite wishes and dreams which we dreamed of getting. Some succeeds in fulfilling his wishes where as some fails. 

I think, this world is a place of wishes either it is saturated or remain unsaturated. The person who resides in expensive bungalow and lives a rich life style, not only having dreams but those also who lives on the footpath and pavements. The difference exists only in the probability of its fulfillment. Where the Rich have enormous possibility and chances for their wishes to be fulfilled, the poor have only a few.  

I am no different to them and have my share of dreams. The dream of getting admission in BHU. I feels the attraction power toward it. I want to do Ph.D. from BHU and there is an opportunity of which I am waiting desperately since last 4-5 months. There was a colleague who despite being selected for Ph.D. in BHU, gives up the opportunity and now doing some kind of research work in Delhi. Many times, I asked myself "if I were at his place, what would I have done?"

Perhaps I have grabbed this golden opportunity or did the same, which he had done and gave up the chance. But the reality is different. I am who I am, not him. I don't have the same opportunity and chances.

Meanwhile I have got selected for a job of project assistant in NBRI, Lucknow. So; There is an opportunity of government job in which I have the opportunity of doing some research. There is another opportunity waiting for me in NBRI from where I can fulfill my dreams. I want to do everything but I am a single guy and I am very confused what should I do?

Let us see what is hidden for me, in the lap of future.......