Negativity

What is negativity? I often think that I am the only negative person but when I met with others, I feel that they are more negative than me in their thinking. 

Two years have been passed since I have started preparing for civil services exams with motivation of my father. He is the only guiding force behind my exam preparation. I have tested some success as well as some failures which I have written about earlier in my previous posts. Earlier I was filled with inspiration but as the time is passing, my inspiration is heading towards emptiness. 

When I had not preparing for this exam, I was having some good friends but as I entered in this preparation I started loosing many of them. There were some friends with whom I have gone to Delhi for my exam preparation but I have to leave their company due to some disputes. And then I started living with another guy who belonged to my village. But soon I find uncomfortable in his company and I have to leave his company along with Delhi too. I don't know whether it is all my fault or theirs or both of us have committed some mistakes which leads to this. But I have some bitter feeling of those days with me even today. After leaving Delhi, I came to Allahabad with one of my childhood friend who was also preparing for the same exam. He respects me a lot. But soon I found uncomfortable living with him. And now I am heading towards leaving Allahabad too and going back to Delhi once again. But I don't know whether it would be a part of my success story or would became a blunder.

There were so many ups and down in my life during a short period of two years and it was not good overall when I think about my friends, but it was good when i think about my results. The dream which I am carrying with me since last two years, "would it transform in to reality?" I don't know. 

I was fond of reading novels and had read a lot of good books which have thought many things to me. Be it either Ruskin Bond, my favorite author, or Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, my favorite motivator or other writers like Arvind Adiga, Paulo Coelho, Khushwant Singh etc whose thoughts have inspired me in my day to day life. But it was all with me since two years ago. As I entered in this field I have to give up my reading habit of novels as there are so many things in this field to study for except literature. I really miss those days when I was dreaming to became a writer like Ruskin Bond. But now a days I don't read literature.

There are some health complications with me. I sleep very less, my memory power is deteriorating gradually. I have got fattier than earlier. My waist have became 34 inch from ideal 32 inch and it is heading towards 36. There are some complications in my neck and in my shoulder girdle. I think it is leading to spondolysis because I use the pillow excessively. In addition to this I have some psychological problems and I consider myself a negative person overall. But above all of this I am hopeful for my success.

In 2014 when I cleared my state prelims exam, it was all a surprise for me as well as for others. In 2015, I have to reappear in my state prelims exam, but i am not so much hopeful for my results as it is a competition and a single mistake of yours would lead you towards failure.

Due to this I am feeling a little bit of pressure to perform because if I would fail, the people would say my first success was just luck. But I don't care for them. All I am worrying is my father's wish to be fulfilled. It is only because of my father that I am preparing for this exam. Otherwise I have not thought about it. I remember last year, when my father was hospitalized due to some heart related problems. I was appearing for my state mains examinations at that time. It was very complicated moment because it was the first time I was seeing him in hospital in my thirty years of age. My father is the ultimate source of inspiration for me. And on seeing him in hospital, I felt very lonely. I was weeping at that time as I was filled with a feeling of insecurity. For the first time, in my life, I realized that how shallow I am from inside? I can not imagine my life without him.

Now, it's all up to me, and I am standing on the square of dilemma as always...............

Jitendra Gupta 

My Journey By Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

I was in Delhi, and was searching for a room on rent. The whole day passed and then in the w

Final Destination..

Within few days; I would be living in Delhi. No; I am not shifting there for living, neither I am going there to make a living, but I am going there for joining a UPSC coaching. Strange na;;; I think it too. I am going to be approximately 28 years old now. And in this age of 28, when most of my friends are earning money, marrying with beautiful girls and settling in their life; I am still reading and setting new goals for my life. I have read somewhere that "You never become too old to set a new goal." I think I am used to it. 

10 years ago, when I had passed my Intermediate education, I had not any plan for my future. My father told me to do 'Bachelor of Pharmacy' (B.Pharm); I have done that. After that I completed 'Master of Pharmacy' (M.Pharm). But reading that much; I didn't felt like I have achieved my goal. I was confused over this matter. I was not knowing 'what should I do after M.Pharm.' I had joined NBRI (National Botanical Research Institute), Lucknow, too because at that time I was dreaming to become a research scientist. But I have to leave that path because my father wants me to become something else.

Then I have applied for basic teaching; and I got selected in that. I completed this too because my father says so. He was rather enthusiastic over my selection in basic teaching because I was the only guy who was succeeded in grabbing a government job in whole of my family. While doing that, My father shared his wish with me. Now; he wants me to become a civil servant. I made up my mind, and started preparing for that. Meanwhile I postponed my marriage when it was only one week ahead, and all the 'Band, Baja, Baraat' was ready on my doorstep.

I don't know "what would I become in future?" There are millions of students preparing for becoming civil servant. It may be possible that I would only surplus that crowd and lost in that. While it is possible too that I become successful in that. It is purely depended on my hard work; my patience; my enthusiasm towards my goal and my destiny. Although I don't believe in destiny but many of the civil service aspirant says so.

I had not blamed my father for anything bad in my life, instead he was the ultimate source of inspiration for me. It is his dream, not mine, which I am living.

I know many of my friends would laugh at me and on my goal. But it does not matter me now. I am rather anxious over my goal, over my performance. "Would I be able to perform up to the expectations of my father."This question haunts me now and then. Till today, I have not lived in any competitive environment and I don't know how to compete with others. My life is going to change in few days. It is related to becoming successful or trapped only in  failure. I don't know what is hidden there in future for me. 'I can work hard on my studies' is the only thing I can do...............everything other is not in my hand....   

Jitendra Gupta

हवा

फिर याद आयी वह जमीं ;

फिर याद आया वह जहाँ ;

जो है यहाँ से दूर, फिर भी ,

दिल है करता जा वहाँ। 

फिर याद आयी वही धूप ;

फिर याद आयी वह हवा ;

जो आ रही है यहाँ तक ,

पैगाम लेकर जा वहाँ। 

पर भ्रम जो टूटा ;

खुद से पूछा- 

"यह बता-

तू है कहाँ?"

आवाज आयी-

मन ही मन;

ये भ्रम है तेरा 

कुछ बड़ा। 

"कर्त्तव्य पथ पर,

चल ओ राही! 

सोच मत-

तू है कहाँ?"

"तू रह यहाँ, या रह वहाँ ;

तू रह यहाँ चाहे जहाँ ;

निज प्राण तो यह भूमि है;

आकाश तेरा तन यहाँ। "

जितेन्द्र गुप्ता 

"मिथ्या शरीर या अमर्त्य आत्मा?"

सर्दियाँ आयी तो अपने साथ सर्दी-जुकाम भी लायीं और 'ईश्वर', जो इस साल बारह वर्ष का होने जा रहा था, हर बार की तरह इस बार भी इन बीमारियों से बच ना सका। मजबूरन उसे हर काम छोड़ कर रजाई में घुसना पड़ा। सर्दी-जुकाम के साथ उसे बुखार भी हो आया था। ईश्वर के बिस्तर के पास ही, उसकी दादी भी लेटी थी, जो अपनी पुरानी यादों में खोयी हुयी, किसी सोच में डूबी थी। पर बीच-बीच में वो ईश्वर को उसके दादा जी से जुड़े कुछ अनसुने किस्से भी सुना रही थी। ईश्वर के दादा जी दो साल पहले ही इस दुनिया से चल बसे थे। अब ये यादें ही थी जो ईश्वर की दादी को अपना जीवन आगे जीने का हौसला देती थी।

ईश्वर, हालाँकि दादी की कहानीयाँ बड़े ध्यान से सुन रहा था, पर उसका दिमाग कही और टंगा था। उसके सारे दोस्त खेल के मैदान पर क्रिकेट मैच खेल रहे होंगे और इस मैच में उसे भी खेलना था, पर ख़राब तबियत ने उसकी सभी योजनाओं पर पानी डाल दिया था।

दादी ने अपनी एक कहानी अभी ख़तम ही की थी, कि ईश्वर के मन में, उसके दादा जी से सम्बंधित एक सवाल कौंधा-"दादी! ये बताइये कि दादा जी इस वक़्त कहाँ होंगे?"

यह सवाल कुछ रहस्यमय था क्यों कि ईश्वर अपने दादा जी की बात से अच्छी तरह परिचित था, पर फिर भी दादी ने उससे पूछा-"मतलब?" इस पर ईश्वर ने कहा- "मेरा मतलब है कि आदमी अपनी मृत्यु के बाद कहाँ जाता है?"

दादी ने ईश्वर को "श्री मद भागवत गीता" का एक श्लोक सुनाया- "ना जायते म्रियते वा कदाचिन, नायं भूत्वा भविता वा न भूयः -------" और इसका अर्थ भी बताया। "आत्मा न तो जन्म लेती है और ना ही मरती है; यह तो सिर्फ एक नश्वर शरीर से दूसरा नश्वर शरीर बदलती रहती है जब तक उसे जन्म मरण के बंधन से मुक्ति ना मिल जाय।" दादी ने कहना जारी रखा, "तुम्हारे दादा जी भी या तो मोक्ष प्राप्त कर जन्म-मरण के बंधन से मुक्त हो गए होंगे या पुनः किसी नश्वर शरीर में उनका जन्म हो गया होगा।"

ईश्वर दादी कि बातों में खो सा गया और सोचने लगा- "क्या वाकई हम जिस शरीर में रहते है वो नश्वर है? क्या वाकई में, मैं ये नश्वर शरीर न होकर एक आत्मा हूँ जो अमर्त्य है?" अनायास ही ईश्वर को यह आभास हुआ कि उसके बीमार शरीर में एक ज्ञान रूपी ऊर्जा संचारित होने लगी है। उसे महसूस हुआ कि इस वक़्त उसके शरीर की तबियत ख़राब है,  उसकी नहीं। क्यों कि वो तो वह आत्मा है जो अजर-अमर है।

ईश्वर को यकीन हो गया कि उसे कुछ नहीं हुआ है। उसने अपना बिस्तर त्याग दिया, और क्रिकेट मैच खेलने जाने को तैयार होने लगा। सहसा उसकी नज़र अपने बिस्तर पर गयी। उसने देखा-'बिस्तर पर उसका बीमार शरीर अभी भी वैसे ही पड़ा था। शायद वो आजाद हो चुका था।

जितेन्द्र गुप्ता, 

ओलंदगंज

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