Some of the moments of our lives are meant to
touch us briefly and go their way.
I had tried many a times to relinquish her feelings
of love which had been inculcated in my memories but failed each and every time.
A long time has been passed since I had met her last time. And now when I tried
to look back in to my past I found it full of folly.
Now 5-6 years have been passed since our college
life have been over. I have become busy in doing my business and she had become
hers. In the daily routine of our life I often thought of her and a question
suddenly arises in my mind “whether she would be thinking of me also?” The last
day of our college is alive in my mind even today as it is the matter of
yesterday.
I remembered her tears which were flowing from
her beautiful eyes at the very last day since we were departing. I was standing
in front of the girl’s hostel beside her car on which she was going to her home
for always. She just looked at me and I looked into her bewitching eyes.
Suddenly the time had stopped at that place. I lost in the fair of our golden
memories when we were together in the college. And now it was the last day I
was seeing her.
Her name was Purnima and she was a young and
beautiful girl. She was in her twenties when she had joined the college for
doing graduation with us. It was not like that I have fallen in love with her
when I saw her first time. Both of us were strangers for each other for the
starting 3-4 months of our college.
She started to come closer to me only when our
first semester has been over and the result of our first semester examinations was
announced. She had passed the exam with good marks and was seemed satisfied
rather than saying that she was expecting more marks as the other students were
discussing in our class. I have secured the highest marks in that exam and my
colleagues were congratulating me. Some were demanding the celebration party
for the result. Formally I denied, but later I got my mind prepared and
arranged a party in the college cafeteria. I had to invite each and every
student in my class.
The party
was going on and I was busy with all my friends, when Purnima approached me and
congratulated me for my success in the exam in front of all the other students.
It was not only me but my colleagues also, who have witnessed that incident,
had felt the intensity of her congratulation which was not merely the
congratulation but contained something else also. Her voice was full of warmness
of affection and she was seemed so much affectionate for me. As one can do
anything but can not hide the love. She was also trying it but her eyes were
saying boldly her feelings.
I don’t think that any Indian girl take the
first step to propose any boy to whom she is having the feeling of affection.
This is the God made character of all the women. So boys should take this
responsibility as it is the God made character of all the men.
That evening when I reached at my room, all of
my friends started to make fun of me and Purnima and all of them were eager to
know more and more about her. When I had showed them my apathy about her they
began to search the other ways for knowing the feelings of her about me. Some
of them were having friendship with other girls in our class. So they contacted
to them and told them to ask the Purnima for her feelings about me.
I tried to show them that I did not have any
feelings regarding her but instinctively I was flying on the seventh sky. The
world seemed to me more full of joy than it was earlier and the nature seemed greener
than it was earlier. I remembered that suddenly all the sad faces turns in to
happier and mischievous ones. It was the effect of the feelings of first love.
When you came to know that somebody likes you heartily and has been drowned in
the sea of your love, the whole world turns in to more delighted and cheerful place.
There is a fire which has lightened up in not only yours but your beloved’s
heart also. Both of them always seek the chances of meeting with each other.
And whenever they came face to face, they became lost in the eyes of each
other. The same things were happening with me.
But till then I had not proposed her and it was
the problem I have to sort out on my own. My colleagues have done their work of
investigation and brought the news about the feelings of Purnima about me. They
told me that she likes me and will accept my proposal if I dare to propose her.
This news has done my work easy and I started to think of the ways of starting
conversation to her. And suddenly an idea had struck to my mind.
It was middle of the April and the weather was a
little bit cold in the night and hot in the daytime. Although the sunlight
could not be bearable, anybody can stand in it for more than half an hour. I
was pondering over my thoughts ‘if I have to propose her; I have to do it in
private place’, because I felt shyness talking with girls in front of others.
But I could not find the right place because the classes and cafeteria were
full of students everywhere. Then I decided that I will do it in the lunch
hour. At the lunch hour very few students were staying in the class and
remaining other went to the cafeteria.
From morning to afternoon, my heart beat was
running like horse. The teachers were coming, teaching and going but I did not
care much about them. I was not interested what was thought by them in the
class. In between these hours I tried to look her very often.
As it is known according to Newton’s law of motion “every action has a
reaction”, whenever I saw to her, she also looked back to me by her slanting
eyes. The only things I wanted at that time were to keep looking her and this
act becomes sometimes funny. Some of my colleagues were teasing me in between
these hours as they have started to make fun of me. As the time was passing
away and lunch time was coming closer, I started to feel a little bit strange.
Time passes away at the speed of its own, and it
was the lunch hour. Majority of the students went to cafeteria and only few
students remained in the class.
Before approaching to Purnima, I went near the
window of the class so that I became some optimist and collect my courage for
this work. But intermittently, only one question was arising in my mind “what
if she rejects my proposal”, I would become a stupid fellow. All the boys as
well as girls would start to scoff about me. I was thinking ‘It was possible
that my colleagues would have given me wrong information about her feelings
about me’. But her eyes were not lying as it was become clear at the day of
celebration party and in the class when she was looking at me often.
I controlled the cascade of negative thoughts
and made up my mind to face the challenge. I thought “what will happen, will be
tackle down afterwards.” I approached her. She was looking beautiful even in
the college uniform. It was seemed as if she was waiting for me.
The sixth senses of girls are so much stronger
than the total of all the senses of boys, and it has the power to destroy their
all the five senses and they became nonsense. The same thing was happened with
me. I had become nonsense and jumped in the sea of love.
“Hi” I said to her.
“Hi” she responded. She pretends to be
surprised. Girls are like that.
“How are you?” I asked her.
“Fine” she replied with a little strange
expression mixed with awe.
I was looking in her eyes while talking to her
and have been lost to that much extent that I forgot, what I should ask her
next. As I was, first time, talking to any girl and was so much confused what
should be done and when? I forgot that I was in the classroom and the lunch
hour was going to over. The students were started to gather around in the
class. I was sitting just beside her and some of my colleagues were standing
behind me on the other corner of the classroom.
“I want to share one of my feelings with you.”
“Feelings?” she asked back.
“Yes; feelings” I replied.
“I could not understand?” she asked.
“It is related to you and I found it impossible
to live alone with the feelings buried alive in my heart.” I told her.
“Oh; what is that?” she questioned again.
Her eyes were full of mischief and I was on the
verse of emotional stress. My heart beat which was earlier beating like running
horse, had been beating at the speed of time machine now.
“I like you so much and would like to make you
my unique friend.” I told her.
She remained silent for a moment as she was also
thinking what was said and what should be said? Not only me, she was also
seemed as not concerning of the crowd of students which were gathered around
us. Both of us had lost in the eyes of each other. And I think that it happens
to anybody as love is like that. Even the shyest person turned in to most
deliberate one when he falls in love.
We had become late, already, for our practical
classes and my colleagues were calling me for attending the laboratory with
them. So I hurried and joined their group. I could not able to make eye contact
with any of my friend as I was shying like the groom, who had just completed
his first night after marriage. All of them had started making fun of me and I
was the breaking news everywhere in the class as well as in the college.
I remembered that I had returned to my hostel
that day by sitting beside her in the college bus. I can feel the warmness as
well as the mildness of her beautiful body even today. She had given me her
personal mobile number and told me to call her anytime. Oh my God; what a
wonderful moment that was. What else I could do at that time. That joyful and
pulsating moment has been passed soon and I, who was a reluctant lover earlier in
the college, turned in to normal, bold and expert lover as usual with her
gradually.
After this it had became my daily routine to
talk with her in the night on mobile for a number of hours and throughout the
day in the college. She had become my full time spouse gradually. If any day,
for any reason she could not attend the college, I also bunk the college as I
became feeling lonely and did not talk much to my colleagues. We were learning
to tolerate each other for each and every reason.
I used to become much aggressive and bold while
talking to her on the phone. I remembered to ask her for kissing me every time when
I called her in evening and she demanded a return kiss after that. I was always
on the roof of my room while talking to her and staring the sun which was
setting down faraway at the point where sky and earth met with each other at
the horizon. The flocks of birds used to fly back to their nests. They made
very strange structures in the canvas of sky while its flight. I return in my
room only when 2-3 hours had been passed away when darkness falls down. I used
to watch the cluster of stars twinkling in the sky. The nature become calm and
quite as it was supporting us.
Not only I was a bachelor, she was also a virgin.
If I was the positive ion, she was also the negative ion, and the attraction
was as usual according to law of attraction in science. So I attempted to
become physical with her gradually but she always made some distance from me as
she was, perhaps suffering from “touch me not” syndrome. This act of her
discouraged me sometimes and I become angry with her and our conversation
stopped for a few days. I resumed conversation with her only when she used to
say sorry to me. But it was not only me who always became angry with her,
majority of times she becomes angry with me as she was my girlfriend and it was
her favorite sin. In addition to this we hardly get some time to go to the
cinema or restaurant for amusement which is mandatory in modern day love.
In the meanwhile, I addicted to her as if she
was any fascinating novel and I was on the verge of climax of the story. If she
did not come to college any day, I inclined to become bored and could not
concentrate on the class. As if her presence in the class was mandatory for my
concentration on the ongoing topic. I used to think of her every moment
irrelevant of the time and gradually I had intoxicated to her. She had taken to
my heart.
Time was passing at its speed and our first two
years of the graduation had passed as water is escaping from our palms. We were
indulging in the displeasure and appeasement. Suddenly I came to know that I
had lost our precious time and now without wasting any more time I should love
her more and more as very little time was left. In between these days, a good
as well as a bad news had come. Good for her and bad for me. Her engagement was
fixed with a person who was the choice of her father. When this news was delivered
to me I was completely taken aback. I could not understand whether I should dance
in pleasure or become sorrowful. What should be done by a person whose
girlfriend’s marriage had been fixed with any other person? It was the
condition of dilemma as no guidelines have been given for this condition of
love in any book.
To me she was a riddle which could not be solved
by me throughout my life. Even today I could not conclude whether she was
pleased with her marriage or not. Whenever I talked to her regarding our
relationship, she told me that ‘she loves me’. But on the matter of marriage
she blamed it to our destiny. She often said “it was written in our destiny.” However
I never proposed her for marrying with me as I was too young to bear this
responsibility. I inclined to have more time as I was crazy for her and did not
want to loose her. But the time was not in favor of me. As it was predestined
that I and she was not made for each other. I think I was rather ponderous over
this matter. She married with that man and I remained looking at her face as I
was good for nothing. I was having malice in my heart that I could not handle a
girl.
It is said that time heals all the wounds but
mine was not healed. Rather I wanted to make it worse than it was earlier. Sometimes
in love, people turns in to more vagrant and suicidal. So the condition was
mine.
It was a humid day of summer. The sky was full
of clouds and the sun was emerged from it. I was strolling on the roads and
thinking for nothing. I came to know that she had planed her marriage as she
had taken one month leave from the college. The college students were making
mockery of me but I did not care of them. The only thing which was pierced in
my heart was her behavior. She had not called me for a single time since she
had gone to her home for her marriage. I was angry with myself and wanted to
end all the mess which was however generated by me and destroying myself from
inside. She had invited me for her marriage. But I deliberately refused to attend
that one. I did not want to see the face of that person who had stolen my girl
from me.
When she returned, I remembered that day, all
the girls of the class gathered around her as she might be any celebrity and
their fans had stranded surrounding her for taking her autograph. But it is
knack of the girls; they wanted to know more and more about the marriage of
newly wed girl, about her husband; about her in-law house and about everything
which is related to her marriage. That time, I felt I was a forgotten chapter.
She was busy talking with her friends and I was standing some faraway from her
but she could easily looked at me if only she wanted. I was staring her with
reproaching eyes and knew she would surely look at me and then it happens. When
she looked me staring at her, she stopped her conversation. I knew my work had
over and went to cafeteria where after some time she came in the search of me.
She was standing in front of me and I was seeing
her after the duration of one month. It seemed to me as I was any child and she
had become matured in comparison of me. She had applied the red Sindoor in the
parting line of her soft hair. In addition to this she also had a spangle (Bindi)
put on her forehead, lipstick applied on her lips, ear-rings hanging from her
ears, mehandi on her hands, bangles in her wrist and anklet in her ankle which
was sounding like music when she moved swiftly here and there. These are all
the common characteristics of the married woman in India. This separates the married
woman from virgin girls.
“Hi” she said with a little bit of smile on her
face.
It breaks my investigation of her body and I
stopped searching for the changes in her.
“You have become healthier than before; isn’t
it?” I replied. Actually I wanted to complain her about her behavior but
bewildered by the warmness in her behavior which she had shown to me. I think
it happens in love, your anger diluted away when yours beloved comes in front of
you.
“Yeah; I am eating too much now a days and
afraid of being a glutton.” She said.
“So how was your marriage?” I asked.
“It was fantastic. Only you had not come. I was
expecting your presence.” She said.
I was unanswerable on this question or rather I
felt it was useless to argue on this matter. So I asked him, “How is your
husband?”
“Oh; he is a good man and he cares of me much
more than my expectations.” She replied.
“Oh; that’s nice.” I sighed.
“So, what are your future plans after
graduation?” I asked her dithering over my thoughts. As I could not think what
should be asked her next.
“I have not thought. Whatever he will tell me at
that time I will do that.” She said.
That is the other characteristics of married
Indian woman. I think. Whatever her husband tells her is OK. No argument-no
discussion at all.
“Have you brought the photographs of your
marriage?” I asked her bending the way of our conversation on another topic.
Because I was getting bored talking to them on this topic.
“Yes; I have brought that. Would you like to see
that?” she asked me.
She showed me all the photographs. I was going
through that and seeing her smiling face in every photo, when a photo surprised
me. It was her picture taken just before her marriage. In that, she was sitting
in her home at a corner, wearing a simple Salwar-kamiz, looking towards the
camera; and showing the expression of nothing mixed with sadness. It was clear
from that photo that she had gone through the “Turmeric-ritual” just before the
photograph was taken. I had taken that photo from her. She was protesting that
she was looking very dirty and ugly in that photo. But I had chosen that
because in that she was lonely and neither of her family members was present in
that. The expression on her face in that photo was suiting me and I remembered
that I had kept that photo with me for a long time.
When the photo session became over, I asked her
to give a party for her marriage. Earlier she tried to put off my request but
sometimes it became impossible to negotiate your good old friends. So my wish
was going to accomplish and she was going to give a party in our favorite
restaurant situated at the Chauk, the famous place of the city. It would be a
private party, she assured me, only she and I would be there.
When the college became over, we hailed an
auto-rickshaw and started for the Chauk.
A new story was waited to be unfolded there, of
which both of us were unknown. I was seeing her face in the vehicle, which was
moving swiftly through the chaotic rush of traffic. Every vehicle on the road
was trying to overtake its neighbor to become the first one, the blare of horns
was irritating but we had conditioned to this noise and paying no attention to
it. Rather we were lost completely in each other’s eyes. We forgot that she is
now married. I was holding her hands in mine. O God; even today I can sensed
the warmness of her hands which was soft and mild like the flowers of marigold.
It was the intensity of our love that we forgot the presence of driver of
auto-rickshaw.
“Do you still love me?” I asked her. I wanted to
know her answer.
“I love you but you know that I am married now.
So it will be better for you as well as for me to not to expect too much from
me.” She replied.
I can conclude that her answer had solved my all
doubts which were arising on the matter of our relationship.
It was the time of evening and the sun was
setting down faraway at the sunset point leaving behind the reddish-blue sky.
We were enjoining our last romantic moments as this day would never returned
back in our life.
When we reached at our destination, we left the
vehicle and entered the restaurant. I don’t know what she had ordered and how
much time we had spent at that place. She was sitting just in front of me, and
behind her there was an aquarium, filled with the water and different types of
colorful fishes. I didn’t know that name of those fishes but their shapes had
embossed in my heart because that time is still alive in my heart even today. I
thought about those fishes which were enjoining its life in water but my
condition was like a fish out of water. Even the fishes were in good condition
than me, I thought.
I didn’t remember her words because it was of no
use. I was completing the rituals of ending our relationship that day.
After spending some hours inside the restaurant,
we came outside and again hailed an auto-rickshaw to return back to our hostel.
The sun had gone down an hours before. It was the twilight, and the stars were
twinkling in the sky. The air had contained some moisture and the rush on the
roads was on its full swing.
We sat down inside the vehicle. Apart from the
driver, only two creatures were their inside the vehicle that is she and I. The
vehicle started for our final destination and was talking with the wind soon.
It was the darkness inside the vehicle. There was a window made of transparent
plastic material, just behind us. The golden yellow lights of the vehicles,
chasing just behind us, were scattering on her face. She was looking very
beautiful. I was seeing her first time with no air between us. Her face was
shimmering with golden light. I realized first time that the faces changed when
these are looked very closely. I kissed her and she also kissed me. I crushed
her tender breasts, hugged her and remained in her arms for the whole time. Her
beauty was disarming and I was lost in that. We were hearing the sound of
silence which was coming from the roads on which other vehicles were racing
against time and shouting at each other by giving horns.
This was the last date I remembered, last
rickshaw ride in my memory, last emotional moment I buried alive in my heart.
Those days have now passed, and she was now
standing in front of her car looking at me on the last day when we were going
to depart. She came closed to me and said, “We will resume our friendship in
the upcoming future. Don’t forget to call me every week; OK?”
I responded nothing and tears rolled out from my
eyes. I was neither weeping nor sobbing. I was collecting those moments in my
heart. I wanted to tell her a lot of things, about our friendship, about our
relationship but I could hardly say anything except “OK.”
She said her last word “Bye;”
Then she sat down in her car and started for her
home. I remained looking at the car which was rushing with whirling dust and
smoke in the air. It seemed to me as one of my worlds have been ended
tragically like the world of amateur love or the world of first love in one’s
life. I buried that world at the same place.
There was a garden just beside me where I was
standing; a variety of flowers were there and butterflies in many colors were fluttering
on the flowers. Suddenly a feeling of maturity has filled me in and I thought
as I was like any butterfly and girls are like flowers for me.
And I began strolling back to my room leaving
that place......
(I am posting this story, which I have written some years ago. I am planning to translate this story in Hindi and to send it in "Punarnava" of Dainik Jagran. But I have a problem, I don't have the address of their office, so I could not understand, where to send my story. If you know, please send me the address in comment bar.)
