Grateful to "Almighty God"...

Finally selected in Combined Upper subordinate services (UPPSC 2015) examination as Assistant Commissioner (Commercial Tax). It is a big achievement; not for me but for my father, my grandmother and for my whole family. I am grateful to God. It was 3 years of hard work. The result was announced on 29th February 2016. During this period, I have gone through a number of ups and down in my life.....Finally Happy......

Here is some Newspaper clippings....

 "Amar Ujala" Dated 2nd March 2016

 "Hindustan" Dated 2nd March 2016

"Dainik Jagran" Dated 2nd March 2016

"Daily News Activist" Dated 2nd March 2016

In addition to this, I was selected in Combined Lower Subordinate Services Examination 2013, as Supply Inspector, conducted by same UPPSC. Here is some Newspaper clippings....

"Dainik Jagran" 

"Amar Ujala" 

But success is like ephemeral pleasure, which fades in two days and we are like nothing has happened. And now, I am thinking what to do next..............................?

What If?

So; I am back once again. After failing in Uttar Pradesh Public Service Commission (UPPSC) Examination in 2014, I have been called for the interview in UPPSC Examination 2015. And not only in this exam, I have been also called for interview for some other exams in the UPPSC. So I think, it was an inspiring moment for me.

Now I am curiously waiting for my result to come. I don't know, what lies ahead for me in future. Either I would be selected or rejected. If I would be selected, it would be pretty cool situation for me. It would be a dream come true and I would be free from expectations of my father and relatives. At this time, they have so much expectations from me. I have to fulfill their wish. But what if I would be rejected? It will be a failure for me. I have to face these exams again. In any of these situations, I have made up my mind to prepare and face this exam again this year.

Sometimes, I feel, "What if I failed?" and "What if I could not fulfill my father's wish?" Then I remember these lines...

"Kaise keh du ki thak gaya hu main,

        Na jane kis-kis ka hausala hu main"       

In addition to this, I have lost my hobbies of novels and stories and I do not write diary now a days. These things seems to me boring. I don't know why? But it is as such.. 

अम्मा..

अम्मा पिछले कई दिनों से बीमार चल रही है, शायद एक महीने से ज्यादा हो गए है पर उसकी हालत में कोई सुधार नज़र नहीं आ रहा। आज शाम को घर के छत की बालकनी में बैठे हुए उससे बात कर रहा था। कह रही थी की उसे बहुत कमजोरी महसूस हो रही है। पहले तो थोड़ा बहुत खा भी लेती थी पर अब उससे खाना भी नहीं खाया जा रहा है। अम्मा यह जानती है की उसके गुर्दे (किडनी) में बैक्टीरियल संक्रमण हो गया है और ज्यादातर एलोपैथिक दवाइयाँ उस पर असर नहीं कर रही। यह एक विडम्बना ही है की जिसने अपनी सारी जिंदगी दूसरों का इलाज में और उन्हें दवाइयाँ देने में गुजार दी हो आज वो खुद अपनी बीमारी से जूझ रही है। और दूसरे ही क्यों अपने घर में भी हम सब जब-जब बीमार हुए अम्मा की दवाइयों से ही ठीक हुए।
पापा तो पिछले एक साल से अपने कोलेस्ट्रोल को लेकर बीमार चल ही रहे है। अब वो मुझसे ज्यादा बात भी नहीं करते। जब मैंने सिविल की तैयारी शुरू की थी तब वो मुझसे अक्सर मेरी पढाई के बारे में पूछा करते थे और उनका ये पूछना ही मेरे लिए प्रेरणा का कार्य करता था। उस वक़्त उनकी बातों से मुझे लगता था की मुझमे ये परीक्षा उत्तीर्ण करने की योग्यता है पर अब जब वो मुझसे बहुत कम बातचीत करते है तो मुझे लगता है शायद मैं उनकी उम्मीदों पर खरा नहीं उतर पा रहा हूँ। जब की मैं ये जानता हूँ की इस बीमारी की अवस्था में भी वो घर का कितना भार वहन कर रहे है। वो सुबह ही दुकान पर चले जाते है और देर शाम तक वही पर काम करते रहते है। घर के बाहर की सारी जिम्मेदारी भी उन्ही पर है। अम्मा का इलाज़ भी वही करवा रहे है। अगर उनकी जगह कोई और होता या मैं ही क्यों न होता तो शायद अब तक अपनी किस्मत से हार कर थक गया होता। पर थकना तो जैसे उन्हें आता ही नहीं।          

Hope?

The result of UPPSC mains exam 2014 brought some disappointment for me. I couldn't qualified the exam and it lowered my enthusiasm towards civil services preparation but I have not lose my hope.

I think, my result brought disappointment for my father more than it was for me. He was expecting some thing more from me and I couldn't succeed to deliver that. I was knowing I would not qualify this exam because my papers have not gone so well. It was my first attempt and I was failed. I have given the exams of UPPSC mains exam 2015 again this year but I don't have any hope from this exam too. 

When I see the smiling faces of aspirants, who succeeded to make their way in these exams, I don't get any motivation from them anymore. I think I am completely fed up with these success stories.

I couldn't understand why the society, the media and family and surrounding persons start categorizing them as hero just by cracking mere an exam? For such persons, those aspirants who failed in these exams are not intelligent. They consider such failed aspirants as burden on the earth, on their family and on their society.  

I don't think I am on the wrong path. I feel I am constantly moving toward my goal. Since last year when I have started preparing for this exam for the first time, a considerable change occurred in me. I have began this preparation from "zero", and I think I am just a step below from becoming "hero" (as this society thinks about successful aspirants). 

But I have decided I wouldn't smile or flaunt on my success as the most aspirants do. I just want to make smile my father for whom I am preparing this exam. I just want to fulfill my Father's wish. And now, it is not a matter of "how" for me, it is a matter of "when".....

Jitendra Gupta

Way To Go?

It has been a great year for my civil services preparation. I have qualified Upper UPPSC prelims exam 2014, Lower UPPSC Prelims exam 2013 and MPPSC prelims exam 2013. I have appeared in the mains exam too and now waiting curiously for my result hoping for the chances to appear in interviews. Although I have appeared in the IAS prelims 2014 but could not succeed. 

I am preparing for exams after exams tirelessly and now feeling as completely lacking in inspiration. I could not understand 'why am I preparing for these exams. Earlier I was having a dream to become a writer. Then I have to postpone that plan and I joined the civil services preparation because of my father's wish. I can achieve these goals and I don't have any problems except lacking in motivation.  

In addition to this recently I heard that she is going to marry. Earlier she had rejected my proposal when I had indirectly asked her for marriage. I don't know what she was thinking about me and my family. I don't know whether she, herself, had rejected my proposal or it was done by her father. All I know is that she didn't want to marry at earliest. Approximately one year later after rejecting my proposal, I don't know what makes her to change her mind.

From where I think it was because of something else. I think perhaps she didn't like my family as my mother is mentally ill. Now I feel regret and think as a blunder of my life while proposing her for marriage. I should not have done that. Her rejection was not only her rejection but it lowers the reputation of my family.

I had gone ahead with my dreams of becoming a civil servant as it is thought most respected job in our society. I was having a wish, in a corner of my heart, that may be she would accept my proposal. But I was wrong. You may think 'I was dying for her'? Of course not! There is inevitability of marriage in our society. I was having a little bit of affection for her in my heart since last 10 years but never expressed in front of  her. I was rather feeling shy. It was only then when my family members forcing me to marry, I expressed my choice. yeahh....she was my choice! I was not her choice!..

Now what should I do? I have already postponed my plan of marriage because of civil services preparation and now I feel lacking in motivation for this exam...

Feeling confused......

Negativity

What is negativity? I often think that I am the only negative person but when I met with others, I feel that they are more negative than me in their thinking. 

Two years have been passed since I have started preparing for civil services exams with motivation of my father. He is the only guiding force behind my exam preparation. I have tested some success as well as some failures which I have written about earlier in my previous posts. Earlier I was filled with inspiration but as the time is passing, my inspiration is heading towards emptiness. 

When I had not preparing for this exam, I was having some good friends but as I entered in this preparation I started loosing many of them. There were some friends with whom I have gone to Delhi for my exam preparation but I have to leave their company due to some disputes. And then I started living with another guy who belonged to my village. But soon I find uncomfortable in his company and I have to leave his company along with Delhi too. I don't know whether it is all my fault or theirs or both of us have committed some mistakes which leads to this. But I have some bitter feeling of those days with me even today. After leaving Delhi, I came to Allahabad with one of my childhood friend who was also preparing for the same exam. He respects me a lot. But soon I found uncomfortable living with him. And now I am heading towards leaving Allahabad too and going back to Delhi once again. But I don't know whether it would be a part of my success story or would became a blunder.

There were so many ups and down in my life during a short period of two years and it was not good overall when I think about my friends, but it was good when i think about my results. The dream which I am carrying with me since last two years, "would it transform in to reality?" I don't know. 

I was fond of reading novels and had read a lot of good books which have thought many things to me. Be it either Ruskin Bond, my favorite author, or Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, my favorite motivator or other writers like Arvind Adiga, Paulo Coelho, Khushwant Singh etc whose thoughts have inspired me in my day to day life. But it was all with me since two years ago. As I entered in this field I have to give up my reading habit of novels as there are so many things in this field to study for except literature. I really miss those days when I was dreaming to became a writer like Ruskin Bond. But now a days I don't read literature.

There are some health complications with me. I sleep very less, my memory power is deteriorating gradually. I have got fattier than earlier. My waist have became 34 inch from ideal 32 inch and it is heading towards 36. There are some complications in my neck and in my shoulder girdle. I think it is leading to spondolysis because I use the pillow excessively. In addition to this I have some psychological problems and I consider myself a negative person overall. But above all of this I am hopeful for my success.

In 2014 when I cleared my state prelims exam, it was all a surprise for me as well as for others. In 2015, I have to reappear in my state prelims exam, but i am not so much hopeful for my results as it is a competition and a single mistake of yours would lead you towards failure.

Due to this I am feeling a little bit of pressure to perform because if I would fail, the people would say my first success was just luck. But I don't care for them. All I am worrying is my father's wish to be fulfilled. It is only because of my father that I am preparing for this exam. Otherwise I have not thought about it. I remember last year, when my father was hospitalized due to some heart related problems. I was appearing for my state mains examinations at that time. It was very complicated moment because it was the first time I was seeing him in hospital in my thirty years of age. My father is the ultimate source of inspiration for me. And on seeing him in hospital, I felt very lonely. I was weeping at that time as I was filled with a feeling of insecurity. For the first time, in my life, I realized that how shallow I am from inside? I can not imagine my life without him.

Now, it's all up to me, and I am standing on the square of dilemma as always...............

Jitendra Gupta 

My Journey By Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

I was in Delhi, and was searching for a room on rent. The whole day passed and then in the w