The sense of an Indifference..

Still of the sky somewhere
on my way to Allahabad

Finally I have joined on the post of Assistant Commissioner in department of Commercial Taxes in Allahabad zone under the government of Uttar Pradesh in the month of August 2016. It is the first job of my life. The family persons are happy upon my joining this job perhaps more than me. But I have a sense of an  indifference buried deep inside in my heart. I have always wanted to become a creative person, either a writer or a scientist. But I think, I have been voluntarily trapped in the same rooster coop, which I have read in the novel, "The White Tiger" by Mr. Arvind Adiga. This job has given me a status of gazetted officer, a class II government officer, a officer with blue beacon and more than that a respectful place in our society. But I am indifferent to all these facilities. I think I am neither happy nor sad.

In the month of September 2016, I got first salary of my life. I could not think, what should I do with my salary. I have seen many persons, upon getting their first salary, partying and shopping with their friends and families. But I did nothing with my first salary. I don't have any materialistic aspirations. All of my wishes have been fulfilled by my family since my childhood. So the money, I got as my first salary, means nothing to me.

This year, I have given UPSC preliminary exam once again. The exam was fine as far as my preparations was concerned, but I shouldn't hope for positive result because UPSC is called Unpredictable Public service commission. Anything may be happen. I have to appear for UPPSC mains examination 2016 too, starting from 20th of September 2016. Some of my well-wishers have suggested me to fight for the executive post, like Deputy Collector (Sub Divisional magistrate or SDM), and Deputy Superintendent of Police (DySP). But I am lacking in motivation for these posts. I share my feelings with my father. I asked him, "Should I prepare for mains exam this year?" He advised me, "Feel happy for this post (ACct) which you have got because this post is free from any political interference. On this post, you can work freely without any outer pressure like public or politicians. It is very peaceful job which suits your nature." I think my father is saying right so I couldn't make up my mind to prepare for this upcoming exam. It is like burden on my head. Instead he suggested me to go for UPSC but it requires great amount of dedication.

Actually the whole civil services now seems like burden to me. Although I like reading but the idea of reading for passing mere an exam seems boring to me. Many of my colleagues are preparing for the UPPSC mains 2016 exam and some are opting for UPSC exams too. But I am neither reading nor preparing anything. That is why I think I would be remain in the same place while my colleague would surpass me. I know, this is competition. Here only Darwin's theory of evolution is applied. The theory of survival of fittest. Here either you perform or perish. No mercy. Although many of my friends say about myself that I always underestimates myself. According to them I am a talented man yet it is equally true that hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard in this competitive world.

Now a days, I regularly go to my office at Allahabad. One day, while going upstairs, I have seen a woman with two kids lying in the corner of stairs. I couldn't imagine the plight of that woman. There was the filthy "paan ki peek" in the corner of stairs where the woman was sleeping. Seeing them was a disturbing experience for me. The Gandhi's Talisman, which I have read in many NCERT text books, suddenly resurfaced in my memory. I am still thinking, What can I do for them? How can I make there living better with the help of my job? I don't know whether my feeling is same as that of Gautam Buddha, when he had seen the ailing man, the dead man and the sanyasi for the first time. Buddha was filled with the melancholy. But these scenes, I am seeing since my childhood and I have become habitual to it. Yet I distract whenever I see such people.

Although I have reached such a position where thousands of persons aspire to reach. In this way, I have tried to reduce the feeling of insecurity in me. Yet many times the feeling of insecurity anchoraged me and I am like any helpless guy. I have seen many of my colleague. I have observed that they are making contacts and getting familiar with all the officials. The higher officials recognized them but not me. I know what is the reason for my condition of lagging behind. I am not so talkative and don't mingle with everyone. So I am not like all of my colleagues. So a sense of alienation has trapped me.

My family have fixed the date of my marriage. So most probably I would become a married man at the end of this year. So my status would be upgraded from single to double, from bachelor to married. According to many, getting married is the most important decision of anyone's life. Actually it is the ultimate dream of many in our society to get married, but for me, it was rather a tough decision. I can't imagine myself as a married man. I have always dreamed myself as a lifelong bachelor just like Mr. Ruskin Bond (my favourite author) and Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam (the famous scientist). These eminent personalities have always been my ideal and all of them are bachelor too. In addition to this I don't know whether I would be able to bear the responsibilities of my family, responsibilities of my future to be wife?

But in spite of all these, I have decided for getting married. Actually it is the decision of my family and I have respected their decision. Although I have developed a liking for her yet I don't know whether I would be happy with her or not and vice versa? I can't share all my feelings here on this place but I have really some speculations regarding my future as married man.
So, conclusively I may say that I have a sense of indifference as far as the matter of my first job, my first salary and my marriage is concerned. But a smile floats on my face whenever I see the smiling face of my father and of my grandmother because of my job and marriage. So if they are happy because of me, then, I think I should also get pleasure in the happiness of my elders.

Jitendra