The sense of an ending..

No, I am not going to write the review of the book, "The sense of an Ending". Actually it is related to my life, my feelings and my aspirations which are leading towards ending.
Madhya Pradesh Public Service Commission (MPPSC) has called me for interview for Madhya Pradesh State Service Examination 2014, scheduled to be held on September 13th 2016 at its office in Indore.

Earlier I have qualified preliminary examination of MPPSC. Then I faced the mains examination of it in Bhopal and now they have called me for interview. 

"No need to think
about MPPSC"

I told my father about it. He advised me to leave it. He told me, "When you are doing a PCS level job near your home in your own state, then what is the point in doing the same level of job in any other state? Better focus on UPSC."

I think, he is right. I should focus on UPSC. But my concentration towards my studies is interrupted. And the reason is not unknown to me. I know what is the problem but I couldn't control myself. I am killing my time, when UPPSC mains exam 2016 is on my head and scheduled to start from September 20th 2016. I am feeling unable to revise my old notes. Although I like reading geography (my optional in exam) and general studies subject, yet I have lost my interest in reading for this examination.

I couldn't figure out, what would I write in exam, which I have to face from 20th September 2016? Whatever I tried to read, couldn't memorise it. Is it because of my marriage? Should I blame to my marriage for my distraction from studies? I don't know. I am not such a guy who blame others for failure and takes credit for success. I am responsible for my life and I don't blame anyone for anything in my life.

Sometimes I think I will prepare for this exam next year. But I shouldn't forget that it is competitive exam unlike any academic exam. Next year the situations would not be same for me as it is now.

Most probably, I would be a married man next year. I would be posted as "Assistant Commissioner Commercial Taxes" in any district of my state. So will I be able to prepare in such situations? I have speculations over it. May be the situation would be very unsupportive for me to prepare for this exam. But You have to do your best for selection in UPSC.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not devoting enough attention and time to my studies. I begin to think like, "Is this the end of me? Is this the end of my civil service preparation?" And then a sense of an ending enslaved me. "Is this job is best for me or the best is yet to come in my life?" I don't know.

I never think, I have became a mature person and always deemed myself as any naive person in any field. In biological terms, I always consider myself as caterpillar and think, my wings are not ready yet.

Although I want to work hard on my studies so that I reach such a place where I no longer need to introduce myself, but I don't know, why am I lagging behind. I think, I need a break from my studies. After break, I would be in such a situation when I can start afresh.
I am a little bit of lazy person too. I just want to sit and do nothing. So for sitting and doing nothing, I have to reach on top. And I see UPSC as provider of such opportunity to reach on top.

I remember those days, when I was an aspirant and I just wanted to get a PCS level job only, so that my family feel proud of me.

In those days, I used to think, "once I would get any job, I would return to my literary world. I would write stories and poems. I would explore authors and novelist. I would leave this civil services competition field for sure."

It was my dream to become a storyteller like Mr Ruskin Bond. I realized that my creativity have been killed from the day, I entered in this competitive field. But now, when I have got a PCS level job, my greed (or the greed of my family persons or surrounding), have entered in a new phase.

Now, they expect best of me. I think, I have been trapped in "chakravyuh" of civil services. I want redemption from this but I can't. I want to close the door to the world of civil services competition, because in my opinion, it would lead me to nowhere. I belong to literary world and not this civil service world. But I am helpless and can't close that door now.

My job has not remained only my job now, which would be a source of my livelyhood only. It has become a matter of pride for my family, for my community and for my relatives. So I don't think, I would get emancipation from this competitive world anytime soon.
In this way a sense of an ending is engulfing me from both the sides, from competitive world as well as from literary world.

Jitendra